The Party's Over...

My 2011 New Years Resolutions:

1. Spend more time at the toy store.
2. Marry Neil Lambert (subject to availability).
3. World Wide Web domination.

Stay safe, y'all!
See ya next year!!

Paper Beats Lightsaber

An e-mail exchange forwarded to me under the subject line "You're gonna love this...":

* * *
From: Awesome Engineering Guy
To: Co-worker Mikey
Subject: Final Page Proofs

My review is done. Thanks, Mike!

* * *
From: Co-worker Mikey
To: Awesome Engineering Guy
Subject: RE: Final Page Proofs

Okay, thanks. Can you send the manuscript back, please?

* * *
From: Awesome Engineering Guy
To: Co-worker Mikey
Subject: RE: Final Page Proofs

NOPE! I already made a bunch of origamis with it:
http://blog.makezine.com/archive/origami_jedi_20061202.jpg

* * *
I have a total work-crush on this guy. ♥

How You Know You Live In Park Slope 6: The "F" is for "FREEDOM!"

TODAY'S F TRAIN FRANZEN TALLY*

Total number of passengers reading books: approx. 10
Number of passengers reading Jonathan Franzen's Freedom: 3
Number of passengers reading Jonathan Franzen's The Corrections: 2

GRAND TOTAL: 5/10 = approx. 50%

*Morning commute only

Post-Snowpocalyptic Park Slope

Monstrously Compelling Reasons To Be Grateful I Don't Own A House Or A Car:

Exhibit A:

This is the scene literally right outside my door.

Exhibit B:
These are not parked cars. They have been abandoned in the street.

Exhibit C:
This man is not a city worker. He's just a neighbor.

Exhibit D:
Don't even think about trying to use the side streets.

Exhibit E:
This kid is standing in the middle of an intersection.

Exhibit F:
Thistle Hill Tavern is open for business! If you can find the door!

These photos were all taken within a single one-block radius.

Your Honor, the prosecution rests.

Trilogy

PART I:
Sister: "Have you ever been to this site ThinkGeek.com? Oh my God, you would love it! They've got the best thing ever: a Tauntaun Sleeping Bag!"

PART II:

My Twitter commentary on The Empire Strikes Back.

PART III:
Brooklyn is Hoth.

COINCIDENCE??!?

Talk Technical To Me!

Bringing you up to date on how awesome my job is:

"...must encompass the complete length of the shaft when applied by hand."

"A plug shall not enter the hole when applied by hand without using excessive force."

"The hole shall be checked from both ends, if possible."

"The body heat of the inspector shall be considered."

"It shall not be possible to erect the gage in the hole without using excessive force."

"...the straightness of long shafts that have small diameters."


"Erection And Tensioning"

"(a) Size Control For Holes
(b) Size Control For Shafts"

"(a) Shaft Shape
(b) Shaft Orientation"

"Increased friction heat affects the energy required for pumping."

"(a) slack carrier erection
(b) tower mast erection"

"Open throat hooks shall be equipped with latches to bridge the throat opening."

"Total Monthly Flow" [ewww...]

"Minimum Thickness Of Fishplates" [I'm not sure if this one's really dirty, but I have a rather active imagination...]

"...the relative skew between the two towers." [not dirty, but C'MON!! LORD OF THE RINGS!!!]

"...operating within the creep regime." [This one reminded me of my last relationship...]

"Minimum Shaft Diameter"

"Diameter Of The Small Socket Hole"

"Head Values"

"Oil Buffer Strokes"

"plunger gripper"

"Allowable Gross Loads"

"Hole Orientation"

"...lazy guy thrust track."

How You Know You Live In Park Slope 5: And Counting!

I like to play a little game every morning on my walk to the subway called: "Strollers Or Dogs: Which Will I See More Of?"

Today, Dogs beat Strollers by a respectable margin of 6 - 3.

However, the dark horse victory — coming in with an impressive final tally of 13 — goes to Bicycles.

Congratulations, Team Environmentally-Friendly-Alternate-Means-Of-Transportation!

Sibling Rivalry

I'm in my year-end rush to fulfill my self-proclaimed goal of 260 posts by the end of this year, so you're going to be hearing(reading?) a lot from me in the next few days. At least, those of you who are left — my most loyal of subjects, you hardy survivors of the Great(ly Overexaggerated) Drought Of 2010.

MAY MY KINGDOM FLOURISH AGAIN!

By the way, where the hell has Dalia been...?

So, I find it somewhat coincidental, in regard to my newly-restored resolve, that my Twitter feed this morning contained this proclamation, from my most favoritest Interwebz crush:

Oh, no he didn't...

If there is one thing you should know about me by now, it is that I can't resist a challenge, real or imagined. So whether Mr. Lambert is aware of it or not, we are now competing to the death for the Twitterverse title of Witheringly Sarcastic Web-Ranter Extraordinaire.

Neurotic Nation is en garde, sir.

May the battle begin. >:)

How You Know You Live In Park Slope, 4-Play: Shameless Self Promotion

IT'S OFFICIAL!!! I've been Fucked In Park Slope! :D

How You Know You Live In Park Slope, Part 3: This Time It's Personal

Sorry I'm late — I missed the G train because I stopped to pet some whippets wearing knit sweaters that were leashed to a bike rack outside the coffee shop.

How You Know You Live In Park Slope, The Sequel: Tastes Like Chicken

No, Mr. Deli Man, when I asked if you had any chicken pot pies, I did not mean organic vegetable pot pies with tofu. But thanks anyway.

Three Best Things I've Overheard This Week

At work:
"All you do is walk around all day. You're like Master Of The Hallway."

On the 6 train:
"But you're not a tuna fish."

Girl on the street, smoking a cigarette:
"Crap, there's no cardio tonight?"

How You Know You Live In Park Slope

Graffiti consists of "Be Kind" scrawled on fence and "GO VEGAN!" carved into sidewalk.

Top 5 Things I Love About Living Alone

#5: Decorating however the hell I want.
#4: Never closing the bathroom door.
#3.5: Drinking out of the carton.
#3: Eating whatever I want without worryng about "leaving enough for someone else."
#2: Never having to hold my stomach in.
#1: Walking around pantless.

But Wait — There's More!

More holiday cheeriness!

South Street Seaport Christmas Tree Blown Over By Heavy Winds!

On an added note, I'm so glad I chose today to straighten my hair and try out my new umbrella. I now look like I'm wearing a mangy poodle on my head.

WINDPOCALYPSE!!!

A Christmas Miracle

And now, some good news for the forthcoming holiday season...

GOP pledges to block all bills!

This part's my favorite:

"All 42 Senate Republicans signed a letter to Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid, D-Nevada, vowing to prevent a vote on 'any legislative item until the Senate has acted to fund the government and we have prevented the tax increase that is currently awaiting all American taxpayers.'"

How, exactly, do these imbeciles expect to FUND THE GOVERNMENT by CUTTING taxes? Where are these "funds" supposed to come from? Jesus??

Merry Christmas, assholes!!