Why I'd Rather Tweet About The Oscars Than Watch The Oscars

@ThisGuyIDon'tReallyEvenKnow: "Who doesn't love Meryl Streep?"
@BeccaGo: "The angry Viola Davis fans."
@Guy: "Racists."
@BeccaGo: "I didn't know you were Republican now."
@Guy: "I'm not. I just hate freedom."

C'mon, tell me that's not funnier than a single thing Billy Crystal said.

Zero Tolerance

Today I went to an open house at Park 51, otherwise known as "The ZOMG Muslin Terrist Amercan Taliban Ground Zero Mosque." Here's a brief summary of my experience:

• They did not make me wear a head scarf. Out of the approx. 25–30 people there, only one woman was wearing a head scarf. (I thought it was two but the other one was a little old lady in an appliqued turban.) Only one man was wearing a kufi. (I had to look up that word, so you can, too.)

• Next to the brochures about their spring classes and the mailing list sign-up sheet, there were flyers for The Anne Frank Museum, located across the street.

• Of the approx. 25–30 people there, about 75% were white. Of that 75%, another 75% looked to be middle-aged or older.

• The demonstrations for the two exercise classes offered at the center were capoeira (Afro-Brazilian) and karate (Okinawan).

• I had a conversation with the woman wearing the head scarf about cookies, our nieces, and Dora the Explorer (Spanish).

• Some of the radical words taught in the Beginner Arabic For Kids class are "turtle" and "baseball."

• Didn't see a single prayer mat.

• And here's the view of the offensive, disrespectful facade that you can't even see from Ground Zero (I walked past the memorial; I checked):


I just checked, and I haven't been converted to Islam or trained to be a terrorist. I don't think I've been brainwashed to hate America.

That was a pre-existing condition.

Pay It Forward

"I stay within MY budget, why can't the government stay within theirs?"

Well, let's consider this: Are you caring for a sick kid? Has your house ever been robbed? Did you ever lose a job? What if there's a storm and a tree crashes through your roof?

What if your insurance didn't cover any of it? Do you have all of that factored into your budget, too?

It's kind of hard to predict when an EMERGENCY is going to happen, or its extent, or how much it's going to cost. Medicare and Medicaid, defense programs, unemployment, and natural disaster funds cost money. You pay insurance to protect yourself and your assets. You pay your taxes to protect this country and its citizens.

You pay for the house you live in; if you don't, you get kicked out. You can pay for the country you live in, or you can leave.

Good luck finding lower tax rates in Europe.

I Stand With Planned Parenthood

I was interviewed by Dr. Dan from In Focus on WVOX at the rally today. This is why I told him I was there:

Without affordable health care, Planned Parenthood is a crucial resource for many women — and men.

In New York state, taxpayer money only funds abortions on a voluntary basis, and only in cases of rape, incest, or a threat to the mother's life (see the Hyde Amendment).

And the GOP is supposed to be focusing on creating jobs, not restricting women's reproductive rights.



GOP = Get Out (Of My) Pants!

A Christmas Miracle

And now, some good news for the forthcoming holiday season...

GOP pledges to block all bills!

This part's my favorite:

"All 42 Senate Republicans signed a letter to Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid, D-Nevada, vowing to prevent a vote on 'any legislative item until the Senate has acted to fund the government and we have prevented the tax increase that is currently awaiting all American taxpayers.'"

How, exactly, do these imbeciles expect to FUND THE GOVERNMENT by CUTTING taxes? Where are these "funds" supposed to come from? Jesus??

Merry Christmas, assholes!!

Talkin' 'Bout My Generation

Of the following 2 choices, which do you believe most accurately applies to the recent Washington, D.C. "Restoring Honor" rally, audaciously held on the anniversary of Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.'s historical "I Have A Dream" speech?

(A) "The Woodstock of the next generation" [excerpt courtesy of Glenn Beck]
(B) "Glenn Beck's Slob Picnic" [excerpt courtesy of Wonkette]

For those of you who chose (A) and are keeping track at home, the order now goes:

1. Original Woodstock
2. Mud Woodstock*
3. Fire Woodstock
4. Teabaggage Woodstock, aka (to fallaciously reference another generation-defining music festival), GlennBeckPalooza

*I WAS AT THAT ONE!!! HOW FUCKIN' COOL AM I?!?

I Give Up, Too

Perhaps I'm being lazy by not actually writing anything and just posting a link, but just as Mr. Stewart lets Representative Weiner "do the screaming for" him in this video, so I will let Mr. Stewart express my utter rage and stupefaction over these actions for me — I couldn't put it any more perfectly myself.

I Give Up

Get Your Facts Straight/Gay/Whatever

Dear Prop 8 Supporters/Sore Losers/Bigoted Imbeciles:

Stop with your stupid "gay activist judge/government interference" arguments already. Prop 8 WAS government interference by "moral" activists and it was overturned because it was UNCONSTITUTIONAL. You know, like, against the law? Like not letting black people sit where they want on the bus?

"BUT THE PEOPLE VOTED!!!" Yeah! And you know what else happened when people voted and it got overruled? George W. Bush. The Florida Supreme Court ruled that its ballot recount was unconstitutional, and Al Gore lost the 2000 presidential election, even though he had won the popular vote. Remember that?

Try thinking of it this way: If enough people voted "yes" to take away your guns, even though it was illegal, would you be ok with it? Or would you riot?

Yeah, that's what I thought.

Get over it,
BeccaGo

Hassling Hasselbeck

According to The Daily News, Elisabeth Hasselbeck believes that "a lot of older lesbians would have turned out straight...if they could only land a man."

Well, I believe that a lot of former Survivor contestants wouldn't have become hosts of 'The View'...if they could only land a Playboy pictorial.

I also believe that stupid opinions like this wouldn't even be aired or considered...if only dim-witted, ignorant bimbos weren't hosts of a fatuous, asinine talk show.

Things I Wish Could Really Happen

Every time I put on the Avatar 3-D glasses, I turn into one.

Chocolate donuts cure cancer.

I actually get paid to screw around on Twitter all day.

Punching obnoxious douchebags on the subway not only legal but encouraged as a behavioral deterrent.

All Twilight and Justin Beiber fans placed in internment camps for "re-programming."

My cat does the dishes and cleans the bathroom for me while I'm at work.

Republicans develop the capability to act rationally.

Tattoos are eligible for government subsidies and feel like the brush of butterfly wings against your skin.

A kind stranger leaves me a charming and spacious Park Slope apartment in their will.

Doing karaoke helps me lose 20 pounds.

Sucide Girls provides scholarships to the Pratt School of Fashion Design.

Survivor critiques considered high literary art.

Giant adult-sized castle bounces installed in all public parks.

"Business casual" = Halloween costumes every single day + unlimited wardrobe stipend.

Flying cars.

World peace.

Reformation

I will never understand people who are all "America! Fuck yeah!" but against giving the government any money for anything.

I know I'm oversimplifying, but this is basically how I see it: I don't attend public schools or drive a car anymore, but schools and roads are essential to the functioning of this country, and I live in this country, and I want it to be a good one, so if my contribution helps, I don't mind supporting these things. You can't get all patriotically outraged that we're falling behind in the education rankings of the world and then complain that your school taxes are too high. As far as using the money properly, that's a different story. That's where voting and, you know, democracy, comes in. Get involved — do some research and let your representatives know how you want your money spent, instead of just robotically repeating that teachers get paid too much. Just remember that you can't please everybody, and the funding has to come from somewhere. Bake sales and car washes only cover so much.

So...healthcare. I admit up front that I am no expert on the particulars of this reform, but I don't understand how people could possibly be against the concept. Perhaps this is biased of me, but based on my own personal example, again, here's how I see it: The retail cost of my medication is approximately $500/month. Do I need this medication to save my life? No, it's not that drastic. Do I need this medication to have any sort of a life? Yes. If I am to remain a mentally healthy, functioning member of society, you want me on my meds. You need me on my meds. Can I afford this medication on my own without insurance? Not even close, and for that, I am grateful to have a job that gives me coverage. But if it didn't and I wasn't on the medication? Well, I could get a higher-paying job, but that's kind of hard in this economy, especially when your concentration is perpetually clouded and you're also suicidal. I could keep this job and get a second one to supplement my income, but that's also kind of rough when you find it hard enough to get out of bed for the one you already have due to dizzying headaches and crushing depression. Correct me if I'm wrong, but I think it would be more of a drain on society if I were unemployed and catatonic, being completely supported by others, than if everyone chipped in a few extra bucks to help keep me and people like me medicated. I mean, I didn't ask for this to happen, and I didn't bring it on myself. I was born this way. I'm not asking for a handout — I want to work and support myself and contribute to society, but I can't...unless I'm taking these drugs.

I know it sounds a lot like welfare, another divisive issue. I realize the system is flawed and abused, but don't spite those who truly need it for the misdeeds of those who don't. At the very least, there needs to be some sort of interim program in place while working to improve and perfect the process. And to do that improving and perfecting? You need to get informed and involved.

If you want our country to be great, you have to make it so. We need to help each other out. Freedom isn't free.

Happy Birthday, Mr. President(s)

I am currently wearing flip-flops, pajama pants, a sports bra, and a towel on my head; eating cereal out of the box; and have been watching the Olympics and playing First-Person Tetris for 4 hours straight. It is 5 pm on a Monday.

God, I love 3-day weekends.

UPDATE: To somewhat redeem my joyfully wasted day, I will post this vaguely presidential-ish link in honor of our national holiday:

Official Republican Party Teabags!