Things I Wish Could Really Happen

Every time I put on the Avatar 3-D glasses, I turn into one.

Chocolate donuts cure cancer.

I actually get paid to screw around on Twitter all day.

Punching obnoxious douchebags on the subway not only legal but encouraged as a behavioral deterrent.

All Twilight and Justin Beiber fans placed in internment camps for "re-programming."

My cat does the dishes and cleans the bathroom for me while I'm at work.

Republicans develop the capability to act rationally.

Tattoos are eligible for government subsidies and feel like the brush of butterfly wings against your skin.

A kind stranger leaves me a charming and spacious Park Slope apartment in their will.

Doing karaoke helps me lose 20 pounds.

Sucide Girls provides scholarships to the Pratt School of Fashion Design.

Survivor critiques considered high literary art.

Giant adult-sized castle bounces installed in all public parks.

"Business casual" = Halloween costumes every single day + unlimited wardrobe stipend.

Flying cars.

World peace.

Of Crappy Pop Music And Sparkling Vampires

"Because the world is so corrupted, misspoken, unstable, exaggerated and unfair, one should trust only what one can experience with one's own senses...In a world of disorder and disaster and fraud, sometimes only beauty can be trusted. Only artistic excellence is incorruptible."

In short, this is why political impotence and incompetence will never surprise me, but I will NOT TOLERATE shit like Twilight and Taylor fuckin' Swift.

Of Cheap Plastic Crap And Sparkling Vampires

Last night I saw a Walmart commercial advertising the latest Twilight movie on DVD.

I thought the FCC had rules against obscenity.