Cat Tales

hi. my name is boo. im a cat. im 4 and a haf yeers old and i liv in brooklin with rebecky. sumtimes wen she is buzy or asleep or at work i go on her computer or send text messajes on her fone. today i thot i wud make a blog.

i didnt alwasy liv in brooklin. i used to liv in the country house with dian and bruzza and the skinny one. sumtimes i go bak ther and visit wen im on bacation. i hav to take the trane to go ther. i am very gud and brave wen i am on the trane but i hate being in that fukken bag.

my favrite places in brooklin are the closet and the red chair. sumtimes i try to go in the tub but rebecky doesnt like that. one time wen rebecky was coming home from werk i snuck out the door and got out in the halway. it wasnt very exciting out ther and it smelled weerd. most of the time i just hang owt under the bed.

i like to chase string and skratch cardbord and push pens around on the flor and i like to run around very fast for no reeson. i like to watch survivor with rebecky to and i also watch the fier escape show. in the bacation house i used to watch the bird show and the skwirrel show during the day and the bug show at ni9te but i gess we dont get those chanels in brooklin.

i like to bet on sports games to. im usually pretty acurate with the ncaa brakets but a few yeers ago i lost three humdred bux to the rotwiler in 4J when the red bird teem lost the super bowl. that sukked.

i like to sniff shoes but im afrade of balloons. they make my tale get fat and then i hav3 to hide under the cowch. sumtimes i make rebecky sneez wen i get rite in her face. i dont no why that happenz but it usually skares me too and i hav to hide under the cowch agan. i also dont like wen rebecky puts on the fake wind wen its hot out. its noisy and i can feel it touching me but its invisible like a gost and gosts are skary so i hav to slink down verry low and run past it very fast.

my favrite food is rarbecue and my favrite moovie is Robocop. Robocop is awesum. sumtimes wen i am confused or afrade i ask myslef wat wud Robocop do? i dont alwasy no wat the anser to that wud be but its fun to pretend that im Robocop.

im gonna go take a nap in the lawndry basket now. thankx for reeding my blog.

The Downtown 6

"Astor, Bleecker, Spring, Canal" is the new "Amityville, Copiague, Lindenhurst, and Babylon."

Local Train To Mordor Now Arriving On Track 16

Text message exchange with my sister-in-law:

Me: There's a guy with a giant walking stick on my train. Think it might be Gandalf.
Fly: YOU SHALL NOT PASS!!
Me: No, wait — he's black. YOU SHALL NOT PASS JAMAICA STATION!!

Seriously, why aren't there any black people in Middle-Earth? And are there female Orcs? Or are they all just hatched from mud like the Uruk-Hai? And did Galadriel and Elrond ever have a "thing" or is cross-breeding between the Rivendell Elves and the Lothlorien Elves frowned upon? These things are important, people!

Cat Power

Text messages sent to my sister by my cat from inside his carrier while traveling by train to Long Island:

"i think im beimg kidnapped. i'm stuck in this fukken bag agan. always with this fukken bag."
"i wish i cud rome free with the wind in my hare like my feral forfathers."
"my ansestors ate yors, u kno."
"were chanjing at jamayka now. i thot it wud be warmer. this cold jamayka sux."
"do u think this bum wud share hiz beer with me if i aksed him?"
"rebecky sed i shud stop complaining becuz ther are lotz of cats out ther who r less forchunate then me. i think thats bulshit."
"shes letting me lissen to her ipod tho. who iz this adum lambert fag?"
"wud it kil her to play a littel foghat?"
"ok were heer now. cum pik us up. ill be the one in the bag waring the hedfones."

Why Traveling To Long Island Makes Me Glad I No Longer Live There

So I'm taking the LIRR home for Thanksgiving. It's the day before (you know, the one informally known as "the biggest party night of the year"); I've got an overstuffed tote bag and a cat with me; and, luckily, I've got an express from Flatbush Ave. straight to Babylon. Because the car's already crowded and I don't want to be one of those people who takes up more seats than they need to, I'm sitting on one of the fold-down, handicapped-reserved benches with my bag on the floor and the cat carrier on the bench across from me. When we stop at Jamaica, a whole new throng of people crowd on. I rearrange myself so 2 more people can squeeze onto the benches with me and Boo, but there are still people standing in the aisle and the little vestibule area by the doors. The conductor attempts to come through and collect tickets.

And then...

A stereotypical entitled princess-type, oblivious to her rolling suitcase smacking into everyone behind her as she pushes her way through the crush of people, stomps up to the conductor and yells, "ExCUSE me! Does this train go to Montauk?"

"Change at Babylon."

"NO," she snaps, and repeats, like one of those people who thinks that just saying it louder will help the foreigner understand, "does THIS TRAIN go to MONTAUK?"

"You have to change at Babylon," the conductor tells her irritably. Can't say I blame the guy.

"You mean I have to transfer TWICE?!?"

The guy across the aisle from me snorts and mumbles, "Well, it is 100 miles away, lady."

Princess gets all huffy, turns back to the conductor and says snottily, "Well, thanks for your HELP! I don't know what's up YOUR ass!"

People are flat-out laughing at her now and I'm thinking, "Up his ass...?"

Princess Pompous storms off, complaining, "I don't know why it doesn't just go straight to Montauk."

Well, sweetheart, maybe it's because the train across the platform that says 'MONTAUK' on the side in big red lights is the one that goes straight to Montauk, and maybe you'd realize that if you tried to figure it out for yourself instead of expecting other people to do it for you...? Just a guess.

She then proceeds to drop her suitcase on the head of her lucky traveling companion while trying to place it on the overhead rack, laugh obnoxiously about it, get sloppy drunk and spill her drink on aforementioned traveling companion, and talk loudly on her cell phone, bitching about her horrid 'ordeal,' for the rest of the ride.

You know, I always think people on the subway are rude and inconsiderate, until I remember that the people taking the Long Island Rail Road are rude, inconsiderate, and Long Islanders.

No sleep 'til Brooklyn, yo.