Monday, June 4, 2012
Wednesday, April 25, 2012
Put A Ring On It
Memo To Any Potential Fiancé(s):
Please don’t buy me a ring.
Really.
Rings are useless. I’d prefer you put the money towards a down payment on a brownstone, or a Balinese vacation, or a lifetime supply of tattoos. Or donate it to charity. Or better yet: just save it.
If you must get a ring, don’t buy me a diamond.
Really.
This one’s non-negotiable. Diamonds are blood on your literal hands. They are vile, consumerist, and ostentatious. Least of these, they’re not even original. If you buy me a diamond, you don’t know me well enough to marry me.
If you insist on a ring, I prefer emeralds or pearls. Really.
I come cheap, but I’m high-value.
Please don’t buy me a ring.
Really.
Rings are useless. I’d prefer you put the money towards a down payment on a brownstone, or a Balinese vacation, or a lifetime supply of tattoos. Or donate it to charity. Or better yet: just save it.
If you must get a ring, don’t buy me a diamond.
Really.
This one’s non-negotiable. Diamonds are blood on your literal hands. They are vile, consumerist, and ostentatious. Least of these, they’re not even original. If you buy me a diamond, you don’t know me well enough to marry me.
If you insist on a ring, I prefer emeralds or pearls. Really.
I come cheap, but I’m high-value.
Friday, April 6, 2012
Monday, February 27, 2012
Why I'd Rather Tweet About The Oscars Than Watch The Oscars
@ThisGuyIDon'tReallyEvenKnow: "Who doesn't love Meryl Streep?"
@BeccaGo: "The angry Viola Davis fans."
@Guy: "Racists."
@BeccaGo: "I didn't know you were Republican now."
@Guy: "I'm not. I just hate freedom."
C'mon, tell me that's not funnier than a single thing Billy Crystal said.
@BeccaGo: "The angry Viola Davis fans."
@Guy: "Racists."
@BeccaGo: "I didn't know you were Republican now."
@Guy: "I'm not. I just hate freedom."
C'mon, tell me that's not funnier than a single thing Billy Crystal said.
Saturday, February 25, 2012
Zero Tolerance
Today I went to an open house at Park 51, otherwise known as "The ZOMG Muslin Terrist Amercan Taliban Ground Zero Mosque." Here's a brief summary of my experience:
• They did not make me wear a head scarf. Out of the approx. 25–30 people there, only one woman was wearing a head scarf. (I thought it was two but the other one was a little old lady in an appliqued turban.) Only one man was wearing a kufi. (I had to look up that word, so you can, too.)
• Next to the brochures about their spring classes and the mailing list sign-up sheet, there were flyers for The Anne Frank Museum, located across the street.
• Of the approx. 25–30 people there, about 75% were white. Of that 75%, another 75% looked to be middle-aged or older.
• The demonstrations for the two exercise classes offered at the center were capoeira (Afro-Brazilian) and karate (Okinawan).
• I had a conversation with the woman wearing the head scarf about cookies, our nieces, and Dora the Explorer (Spanish).
• Some of the radical words taught in the Beginner Arabic For Kids class are "turtle" and "baseball."
• Didn't see a single prayer mat.
• And here's the view of the offensive, disrespectful facade that you can't even see from Ground Zero (I walked past the memorial; I checked):
I just checked, and I haven't been converted to Islam or trained to be a terrorist. I don't think I've been brainwashed to hate America.
That was a pre-existing condition.
• They did not make me wear a head scarf. Out of the approx. 25–30 people there, only one woman was wearing a head scarf. (I thought it was two but the other one was a little old lady in an appliqued turban.) Only one man was wearing a kufi. (I had to look up that word, so you can, too.)
• Next to the brochures about their spring classes and the mailing list sign-up sheet, there were flyers for The Anne Frank Museum, located across the street.
• Of the approx. 25–30 people there, about 75% were white. Of that 75%, another 75% looked to be middle-aged or older.
• The demonstrations for the two exercise classes offered at the center were capoeira (Afro-Brazilian) and karate (Okinawan).
• I had a conversation with the woman wearing the head scarf about cookies, our nieces, and Dora the Explorer (Spanish).
• Some of the radical words taught in the Beginner Arabic For Kids class are "turtle" and "baseball."
• Didn't see a single prayer mat.
• And here's the view of the offensive, disrespectful facade that you can't even see from Ground Zero (I walked past the memorial; I checked):
I just checked, and I haven't been converted to Islam or trained to be a terrorist. I don't think I've been brainwashed to hate America.
That was a pre-existing condition.
Saturday, February 4, 2012
The Mother Load [sic]
Found all of these in a single chapter:
"Sensitive Leak Tests"
"Multiple Openings and Extruded Headers"
"Expanded Joints and Special Joints"
"Fabrication and Erection" ["9 inches, baby! I swear!"]
"Hardness Testing Acceptance Criteria"
"Bolting and Tapped Holes" [I always thought the guy bolted AFTER tapping the hole...]
"Hot Taps"
"Sensitive Leak Tests"
"Multiple Openings and Extruded Headers"
"Expanded Joints and Special Joints"
"Fabrication and Erection" ["9 inches, baby! I swear!"]
"Hardness Testing Acceptance Criteria"
"Bolting and Tapped Holes" [I always thought the guy bolted AFTER tapping the hole...]
"Hot Taps"
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
