Put A Ring On It

Memo To Any Potential Fiancé(s):

Please don’t buy me a ring.

Really.

Rings are useless. I’d prefer you put the money towards a down payment on a brownstone, or a Balinese vacation, or a lifetime supply of tattoos. Or donate it to charity. Or better yet: just save it.

If you must get a ring, don’t buy me a diamond.

Really.

This one’s non-negotiable. Diamonds are blood on your literal hands. They are vile, consumerist, and ostentatious. Least of these, they’re not even original. If you buy me a diamond, you don’t know me well enough to marry me.

If you insist on a ring, I prefer emeralds or pearls. Really.

I come cheap, but I’m high-value.