Runner-Up Syndrome

Adam Lambert.

Mondo Guerra.

And now, Miss Arkansas, Alyse Eady.

I refuse to believe that this woman didn't win:

The new Miss America, Teresa Scanlan of Nebraska, is allegedly only 17 years old. I'm hoping for a Vanessa Williams-style scandal in which they discover she's really underage so the yodeling ventriloquist can assume the crown.

I mean, c'mon! She's a YODELING VENTRILOQUIST! How could you possibly find a talent more suitably representative of the overwhelming ridiculousness that is the Miss America pageant?

Plus, her evening gown was WAY fiercer.

Zero Grounds

I'm too lazy and pissy right now to re-type all of this and lay it out in proper blog format, but if you were curious as to my strongly-held opinions regarding Park51 — the infamous "Ground Zero Mosque" — you may observe them here, on this badly-done MS Paint reproduction of the forum in which I do all my serious political debating: Facebook.

[Click to magnify to normal reading size. Selected comments unrelated to the outcome have been removed.]

The link to the original story may be found here.

(Also, in case you were wondering, that's Miss Kazakhstan during the national costume portion of the Miss Universe pageant in my avatar.)

Supernatural

Last night I predicted the winner of Survivor AND the Miss USA pageant. And tonight I see the psychic that told my mom I was gay. This oughtta be good...

Scattered Thoughts On The 2010 Miss America Pageant (Continued)

This dance number is the most awkward thing ever.

I hate when they say "YOUR Miss Wisconsin!" I'm not from Wisconsin. You're not "my" anything. I don't want you.

Jesus! New Jersey scared the crap out of me.

Some of these girls sound really bitchy — "No, I CAN'T see Russia from my house," "Yes, security IS tighter here than at the White House state dinner," "The only state where you have the FREEDOM to be smart" — stop trying to be political. I don't care what they call it nowadays, it's a damn beauty pageant.

Miss Nevada's "World Series/Pokerface" line: WIN.

"Taylor-Treat-and-I-love-sweets!" needs to shut the fuck up right now.

For Christ's sake, Kelly, the girl's in a state of shock and has 3 minutes to glue her ass into a bikini — stop trying to interview her!

Jesus! Miss Colorado is 8 feet tall.

Dancer, singer, singer, singer, dancer, singer, singer, pianist, singer, singer. Why do we never get to see a chick Jello-wrestle or rock a drum solo or solve a Rubik's cube for their talent? Even a violinist would be a nice change of pace.

And of course, Miss Hawaii is going to do the hula. There's no way she tops this:

Last year's Miss Hawaii

Clinton needs to stop talking about how they won't let him into the dressing room. It's getting creepy.

Dang, these gowns are hideous. Get these chicks on Project Runway STAT!

Oh good! Here comes the really uncomfortable part!

Jesus! What the hell is Louisiana wearing?

God, this is like when they make the Victoria's Secret models talk.

YES!!! Mario Lopez: "What must you be thinking right now?" Miss D.C.: "Hurry up." LMAO!

New Mexico's on quaaludes.

I guess I'm rooting for California.

...so of course, she comes in second.

Annnnnd Virginia takes the pot.

Aww, her mom is crying. I can totally picture her shouting "My baby is Miss America!" just like Danielle crying "I'm a Cover Girl, mommy!" when she won Top Model.

...even though her baby looks like a beaded banana.
[Special thanks to Astra for that great line.]

Scattered Thoughts On The 2010 Miss America Pageant

Pre-show (yes, I am such a fanatic that I watch the pre-show):

Good lord, since when does Clinton Kelly have facial hair? He looks horrible. You host a makeover show, dude! Didn't you look in the mirror?

Damn it, I was really hoping he was actually going to change into a bathing suit for his "swimsuit walk" lesson.

Hot DAMN! Miss Puerto Rico is GORGEOUS!

Are those clear stripper heels they're all wearing? Classy!

And Miss New York wins the preliminary swimsuit competition — heck yeah! REPRESENT!

OMG, Miss Puerto Rico's evening gown is GORGEOUS! I hope she takes this whole thing down.

Why does "the only redhead in the competition" have to look like Allison Janney?

I hate when they wear white. Bah.

Oh God, that ruffled periwinkle thing is atrocious. What is that, acetate?

Susan Powell says it's not all about the dresses and she wouldn't take points off if a girl stumbles. What's the freaking point of the whole evening gown competition then?

Jeez, none of these girls know how to work a runway. Totally stiff walks and frozen smiles.

...except, of course, Miss Puerto Rico. Strut that stuff, girl!

Holy shit, Miss New York's gown is FABULOUS! REPRESENT!

RUSH LIMBAUGH is a judge?? WTF??

I cringe every time one of these girls says "I, personally, am pro-life." I bet Rush is keeping tabs.

Oh, Christ: "It is my belief that marriage is the union between a man and a woman." Thank you, Carrie Prejean — NEXT!

Miss New York seems pretty chill and normal. Cool. REPRESENT!

Vivica Fox: "You aren't allowed to touch us." LMAO!

Ugh, stop calling them "chicken cutlets." That grosses me out. And how is that not cheating?

"Butt glue" sounds like a phrase I'd find in one of my engineering manuals. Or something really, really disgusting.

YES!!! WE HAVE A BATON TWIRLER!!!

Dang, Miss California! That was some back bend!

Speaking of flexibility, Miss New Mexico can tie a cherry stem in a knot with her tongue, and Miss Kentucky can zip herself into a suitcase. Just like Yen in Ocean's Twelve! How funny would it be if Clinton just left her in there for a few hours?

Oh my God, crazy eyes! Who the hell is this, Rhode Island? And she can recite like, a thousand decimals of pi? In a creepy monotone while staring into my soul, too? Good lord, this girl is scary.

"I believe I can be the next Miss America because it has been my dream ever since I was a little girl and I know I would be great at it." That's nice. I believe I could be a neurosurgeon because I've always wanted to be one and I think I'd be pretty good at it — hand me a scalpel!

More to come...

Pleased To Meet You / Hope You Guess My Name

My name is Rebecca, after Miss America 1974. Really.

I didn't used to like the name. When I was little, I thought it was kind of stuffy, but I feel like I've grown into it. Once, when I was working as a cashier in high school, a customer — picture the exaggerated stereotype of a big, loud black woman — read my name tag and pronounced to the whole store: "REBECCA! THAT'S A SEXY NAME!" That may have been the turning point.

It's Hebrew, but I'm not Jewish, which has caused some confusion. And for some reason, a lot of people mistakenly call me Rachel — also Biblical and starts with an R, maybe...?

I've been called, at different points in my life: Jeebah, Budgie, Becky, Becca, Speckle, Bex, Elsa, Dexter, Schneidy, Bird, Peta (my roller derby alter ego — some of my teammates never even knew my real name), and Haggard Attention-Whore. Seriously — that last one was meant to be an insult, but I found it so awesome, I've adopted it as my title on an Internet forum.

If I had been a boy, I would have been named Michael, which would have made me the fifth Michael in my age group on my block growing up. If my dad had his way, I would have been Gretchen, so thank you, Mom, for sticking to your guns.

I've had some issues with my surname. People routinely mispronounce and misspell it, even though it's only five letters. During my radical feminist period, I believed it was sexist to have to change my last name if/when I got married, and for a while I was considering switching to my mom's un-Americanized maiden name, but "von Votrubova" is kind of a mouthful. So my solution has been to just eliminate a syllable from each name, and voilà — BeccaGo is born.

Welcome to my world. :)