The Two Best Consecutive Facebook Statuses I've Ever Read

Texts From Last Night: "I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins, you said, 'Pretend I'm your pet dinosaur,' so I walked you around on an invisible leash while you made T-rex hissing noises."

Joy: "Will and I are chasing the cats around the house with remote-controlled dinosaurs. They appear to be enjoying it. Probably not as much as we are."

Unfinished Business

KILL.
BILL.

VOL.
III.

HO.
LY.
SHIT!

Runner-Up Syndrome

Adam Lambert.

Mondo Guerra.

And now, Miss Arkansas, Alyse Eady.

I refuse to believe that this woman didn't win:

The new Miss America, Teresa Scanlan of Nebraska, is allegedly only 17 years old. I'm hoping for a Vanessa Williams-style scandal in which they discover she's really underage so the yodeling ventriloquist can assume the crown.

I mean, c'mon! She's a YODELING VENTRILOQUIST! How could you possibly find a talent more suitably representative of the overwhelming ridiculousness that is the Miss America pageant?

Plus, her evening gown was WAY fiercer.

But What About Criss Angel??

A REAL Mindfreak!

God bless the Intertubes. :D

Give 'Em Hell

Today I attended a departmental procedural meeting in which these two sentences, in regard to the same topic, were spoken within minutes of each other:

"EVERYTHING has to be EXACTLY the same."
"Ignore any inconsistencies."

And it was 83 degrees in the office.

I don't believe these incidents were unrelated or coincidental. It is my belief that they pointedly serve to prove that my job is, literally, Hell.

Return Of The Jedi Guy

Awesome Engineering Guy is at it again:

***
From: Co-worker Mikey
To: Awesome Engineering Guy
Subject: Manuscript

Galleys are ready for your review. Are you in today?

***
From: Awesome Engineering Guy
To: Co-worker Mikey
Subject: RE: Manuscript

Yes, I am in today.

***
From: Co-worker Mikey
To: Awesome Engineering Guy
Subject: RE: Manuscript

Okay. Where is your desk?

***
From: Awesome Engineering Guy
To: Co-worker Mikey
Subject: RE: Manuscript

Directions:
(1) Come down the stairs to the 20th floor.
(2) Make a right through the door (card key needed).
(3) Continue walking to the end of the hall.
(4) Make a right, then take about 3-4 steps.
(5) Mother ship will shoot retractor beam down to get you.
(6) You will appear before a council of Jedi knights.
(7) I am the 4th Jedi from the left.

***
Why don't I ever get to work with this guy??

How You Know You Live In Park Slope 7: We're Lovin' It!

Even our McDonald's...

...looks like a coffeehouse.

Seriously?

Dr. Keith: Tragedy Of Mental Illness

Dear Dr. Keith,

Speaking as a legitimately crazy person myself, I can indisputably say that this tragedy is not "ultimately" a story about mental illness. It is ultimately a story about why a person with a mental illness had a gun.

Get a job,
BeccaGo

Seriously?

Perhaps it's fitting that the two words best describing my reaction to this post are "stupefied" and "dumbfounded." But then again, I am only a white girl...

Why Chinese Mothers Are Superior

Laughing Stock Photos

Women Laughing Alone With Salad

My God, cilantro is HILARIOUS!!!

Happy Ramendan, Pastafarians!

Earlier this afternoon, I was informed via The Twitter that today is National Spaghetti Day. So of course, in honor of this prestigious holiday, I helped fund a Kiva loan in the name of The Church Of The Flying Spaghetti Monster.

May you all be blessed by his noodly appendage.

Happy New Year, Bitches!

I'm so pissed I didn't come up with this myself: