If you've ever, at any time, traversed any pedestrian stretch of Times Square, you've no doubt encountered these "Hey, do you like stand-up comedy?" guys. They're a particularly smug and obnoxious brand of street hawker. The most common response to the plethora of people passing out flyers in this city, if one is even given at all, is usually just a simple "No." Try this approach with the stand-up comedy guys, however, and they get all, "No? You mean you don't like comedy? Don't you like to have fun??" HAHAHA AMIRITE?!? Gee, buddy, you sure got me there. Way to be. My sister once got lost when she first started working here and managed to parlay the following exchange into an Overheard In New York quote that got published in the Metro:
Stand-up jackass: "Hey, do you like stand-up comedy?"
Sister: "Do you know where the nearest Duane Reade is?"
Stand-up jackass: "I asked you first!"
He seriously would not answer her.
So today, on the way to meet my sister at her office, I discovered my new favorite method of dealing with these douches: When one inevitably confronts you with "Hey, do you like stand-up comedy?" respond "I do stand-up comedy!" and hand them a flyer you took from the guy down the block. The best part is, you won't even be lying — their reaction is pretty damn comical.
Friday, April 30, 2010
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
Yet Another Reason Why I Love My Mom, But Not In A Creepy Oedipal Way
This weekend I helped my brother and sister-in-law move into their new house. I have honestly never had so much fun helping somebody move (except for that time me and my brother were playing Superman with the wheelie-carts down the aisles of the Public Storage warehouse, but that was on a whole other level).
Their old apartment is only three blocks away from their new place, so we took turns transporting their belongings back and forth, rotating between my sister's Jeep, my brother's truck, and his father-in-law's pick-up. On one of these trips my sister spots a cute wooden chair a neighbor had left out on the curb. "Oh man, I should take that!" she says. "I could fix it up for my room. I have to remember it for later." At the apartment, my mom spots my brother's bicycle out on the patio. "I wonder if he wants this?" she asks. None of us know for sure, so my sister says she'll ask him when she drops off the latest haul. My mom stays behind to pack up some more kitchenware.
As we're unloading the Jeep, my brother pulls into the driveway laughing and asks, "Why did I just pass Mom riding a bicycle down the street? And where did she get that chair?"
A few minutes later, my sister-in-law and her sister come into the house laughing and ask, "Why was your mom sitting on a wooden chair on the front lawn and waving at us when we drove by?"
Several trips later, my mom, my sister and I are back at the apartment for the last remaining items and the Jeep is packed to capacity. "Is that it?" I ask. "Looks like it," my sister says. "The only thing left is the dog." "Oh, I don't want to leave him alone," says my mom. "You girls go to the house and I'll stay here with him until someone comes back for us."
So we get back to the house, unload our cargo, and are about to return to the apartment for the last time when my sister looks in the rearview mirror and bursts out laughing. "What?" I ask her, looking behind me. "What's so funny?"
And there, just turning the corner, is my mom, laughing maniacally, and being dragged down the block by the giant, galloping dog on his leash. "I couldn't stand it!" she calls out to us. "He looked so sad!"
I'm laughing so hard I can hardly stand up. Good thing that wooden chair was still there on the front lawn. :)
Their old apartment is only three blocks away from their new place, so we took turns transporting their belongings back and forth, rotating between my sister's Jeep, my brother's truck, and his father-in-law's pick-up. On one of these trips my sister spots a cute wooden chair a neighbor had left out on the curb. "Oh man, I should take that!" she says. "I could fix it up for my room. I have to remember it for later." At the apartment, my mom spots my brother's bicycle out on the patio. "I wonder if he wants this?" she asks. None of us know for sure, so my sister says she'll ask him when she drops off the latest haul. My mom stays behind to pack up some more kitchenware.
As we're unloading the Jeep, my brother pulls into the driveway laughing and asks, "Why did I just pass Mom riding a bicycle down the street? And where did she get that chair?"
A few minutes later, my sister-in-law and her sister come into the house laughing and ask, "Why was your mom sitting on a wooden chair on the front lawn and waving at us when we drove by?"
Several trips later, my mom, my sister and I are back at the apartment for the last remaining items and the Jeep is packed to capacity. "Is that it?" I ask. "Looks like it," my sister says. "The only thing left is the dog." "Oh, I don't want to leave him alone," says my mom. "You girls go to the house and I'll stay here with him until someone comes back for us."
So we get back to the house, unload our cargo, and are about to return to the apartment for the last time when my sister looks in the rearview mirror and bursts out laughing. "What?" I ask her, looking behind me. "What's so funny?"
And there, just turning the corner, is my mom, laughing maniacally, and being dragged down the block by the giant, galloping dog on his leash. "I couldn't stand it!" she calls out to us. "He looked so sad!"
I'm laughing so hard I can hardly stand up. Good thing that wooden chair was still there on the front lawn. :)
Sunday, April 25, 2010
Seeking
I've decided instead of being all whiny and emo about my romantic situation to do something a little more proactive about it. So...
Edgy but goofy single white female; 35, 5'9", 38B; short reddish hair, big blue eyes, hipster glasses, painted toenails. Outspoken and opinionated; witty, sarcastic, and hilarious. Editor by day; sexy villainess by night; karaoke champ on the weekends. Reader, writer, roller skater. Love fast food, foreign films and fancy dresses.
In search of someone tall and talented, well-read and well-spoken; a sweet and sexy scrawny rebel librarian type. Cool hair, pretty eyes, nice smile; fun and smart with a warped sense of humor (absolute MUST). Sexually adventurous; socially and politically conscious. Be nice to the waiter. Hold my hand on the subway. Wave at little kids. Know I have a weakness for younger men.
Brooklyn/NYC area, please. No chest hair necessary. Tattoos preferred but not required. Excellent kissers only.
Spread the word, ladies. And surprise me, gentlemen. ;)
Edgy but goofy single white female; 35, 5'9", 38B; short reddish hair, big blue eyes, hipster glasses, painted toenails. Outspoken and opinionated; witty, sarcastic, and hilarious. Editor by day; sexy villainess by night; karaoke champ on the weekends. Reader, writer, roller skater. Love fast food, foreign films and fancy dresses.
In search of someone tall and talented, well-read and well-spoken; a sweet and sexy scrawny rebel librarian type. Cool hair, pretty eyes, nice smile; fun and smart with a warped sense of humor (absolute MUST). Sexually adventurous; socially and politically conscious. Be nice to the waiter. Hold my hand on the subway. Wave at little kids. Know I have a weakness for younger men.
Brooklyn/NYC area, please. No chest hair necessary. Tattoos preferred but not required. Excellent kissers only.
Spread the word, ladies. And surprise me, gentlemen. ;)
Thursday, April 22, 2010
Give A Little Bit
They say a good way to cheer yourself up is to do something good for others, so in light of my recent rental debacle and in honor of Earth Day, may I suggest you join me in chipping in to another one of my favorite charities, DonorsChoose, to help fund an environmental science project for a classroom in need. And don't forget...
...be nice to Mom.
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
"We Will Not Be Moving Forward With Your Application"
Dear W_____ Realty:
CURSE YOU AND YOUR WEASELLY FINANCIALLY-MANDATED GHETTO IMPRISONMENT!!! I SHALL OVERCOME THIS OBSTACLE!!! BE FOREWARNED, PARK SLOPE — MY WRATH WILL BE TERRIBLE AND UNRELENTING!!!
Hell hath no fury like a prospective tenant scorned.
Eat shit,
BeccaGo
CURSE YOU AND YOUR WEASELLY FINANCIALLY-MANDATED GHETTO IMPRISONMENT!!! I SHALL OVERCOME THIS OBSTACLE!!! BE FOREWARNED, PARK SLOPE — MY WRATH WILL BE TERRIBLE AND UNRELENTING!!!
Hell hath no fury like a prospective tenant scorned.
Eat shit,
BeccaGo
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
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