Jersey Bore

Several months ago, there was an article in my company newsletter concerning the New Jersey Service Center. This article reported that the employees of the New Jersey Service Center had recently worn hats and jerseys representing their favorite baseball teams. A corresponding photograph of this newsworthy event was included.

Commentary ensued.

Meekey: "Also, did you read the blurb on the bottom of page 4? Why is donning baseball caps news? I think the New Jersey Service Center is starving for attention: 'Hey, don't forget about us! We work here too, y'know!'"
Me: "LOL! 'Today, the New Jersey office wore pants.'"
Meekey: "I can just picture the meeting:
'Okay guys, the next newsletter is only 2 weeks away. Let's brainstorm!'
'Well, we haven't really accomplished anything.'
'Right...'
'And we don't really do anything except ship books to the rest of the country.'
'Right...'
'I know! Baseball season is coming up! Let's wear hats and take a picture outside our building!'
'Brilliant! Who says New York has all the best ideas?'"
Me: "'We don't even have a baseball team in our state, but heck, let's do it!'"
Meekey: "I was thinking the same thing. In order to get any attention, they had to borrow something from us. They took the Giants; they took the Statue of Liberty. I remember one time a guy from the Jersey Center was in the newsletter because he wrote a poem! And the poem sucked, btw, even by my low standards."
Me: "A Haiku:
New Jersey is just
as cool as New York. Look at
us — we're wearing hats!"

Lessons Learned From Last Night's Episode Of Survivor: Nicaracgua

1. New York is full of gay people.
2. Louisiana is full of douchebags.

We Miss You, Alex

"When a fashion designer dies, how you dress to remember him is as powerful a eulogy as any spoken word or requiem." —Tom and Lorenzo

Daphne Guinness at the Alexander McQueen Memorial Service.

I can't believe foot-high platform boots are making me cry.

And He's Cute, Too!

Selections from the Spring/Summer 2011 collection of my favorite Project Runway alum Daniel Vosovic that I must incorporate into to my wardrobe immediately:







Seriously, I am so covetous of that last jacket it's almost sinful.

Fumble In The Jungle

Regarding last night's premiere of Survivor: Nicaragua: I hope the "kiddie team" falls flat on its face and self-destructs spectacularly.

Age before beauty, motherfuckers.

Lighten Up, It's Just Fashion! Again!

Last Friday, as part of Mercedes-Benz Fashion Week here in NYC, the cast of Project Runway Season 8 was appearing at the Piperlime pop-up store in Soho for Fashion's Night Out. And by incredible, heavenly, divine chance, I was there.

Some highlights:

The cast. I was standing directly behind this photographer as this picture was being taken. I yelled "Everyone say 'Make it work!'"

Conversing with A.J. Thouvenot via Twitter, prior to the event:
A.J. says...
I reply...
He writes back...
My response.
After discussing how I was sad that he didn't get to show at Fashion Week, and his reassurance that I will definitely be seeing more from him soon, we basically rehashed this conversation and I re-extended the invitation to him and April Johnston to come by and grab a beer or crash on my couch anytime. :)

Told Michael Costello that I heard he was telling everyone Ivy was the bitch of the show.

Told Michael Drummond I thought he should have won the Philip Treacy hat challenge.

Told Andy and Mondo that they far and away had the best hair of anyone in the room.

Told Casanova he wasn't getting fat. He starts laughing and says "No! You don't see me!" then almost knocks me over. I think he may have been indulging in a little more champagne than the rest of us...

Told Sarah that I thought the manner in which she was eliminated was unfair, and that I would have loved to see her show at Fashion Week. She told me, "Oh, if I had shown at Fashion Week, it woud have eaten your face."

Totally ignored Gretchen. :D

And to give you an idea of the atmosphere: Project Runway Gone Wild!

Immediately text messaged everyone I knew afterwards and burped up champagne the whole way home. 'Cause I am nothing if not a classy broad...

In Memoriam

"On 9/11 the world united in horror and despair.
Let's not wait for tragedy to be united again."

Well, There Is A Recession Going On...

Conversation I just had with a co-worker on the way to the candy store:

Me: "Could I borrow a quarter?"
Cheap Bastard: "I don't have a quarter."
Me: "You have a 20 dollar bill."
Cheap Bastard: "But that's not a quarter."
Me: "But when you get change for your 20 dollar bill, you can lend me a quarter."
Cheap Bastard: "But I don't have to give you a quarter."
Me: "But it would be nice of you to let me borrow a quarter, to help out a friend."
Cheap Bastard: "But I don't owe it to you."
Me: "But you could still lend it to me."
Cheap Bastard: "Will you pay me back?"
Me: "IT'S A QUARTER."
Cheap Bastard: "A quarter of a DOLLAR is what it is."
Me: "Jesus Christ, forget it. Twizzlers are not worth this conversation."
Cheap Bastard: "Well, you know we don't make a lot of money..."

Well, that is a persuasive argument...

Back In MY Day...

I was just having a conversation with some co-workers about elementary school recess. And seriously — what was WRONG with us back then?

I mean, did you guys play that game where you ran UP the slide and tried to PUSH the kids at the top OFF? The one where you'd STAND precariously balanced on TOP of the monkey bars and then JUMP OFF into a measly pit of sand? Or the one where you'd pile 6 kids on one end of the see-saw and then JUMP OFF and let the kid on the other end SLAM INTO THE GROUND?

What the FUCK were we THINKING??

At my school, we had one gym teacher who was also a recess monitor and he would actually PICK KIDS UP by one arm and one leg, swing them around in a circle, and then just LET GO. Swear to God. And we would LINE UP for this! Two kids got broken collarbones before the school finally did something about it. Not just one kid, but TWO. Like, oh, one might have just been an accident — carry on!

Ah, the good old days...

Late-Cum-Er

Just found a new one:

"Typically Irregular Crotch Shapes"

Quickie!

A few more illustrations of the "intangible benefits" of my job:

"Personnel shall not ride the sling."

(a) Male Handle.
(b) Female Handle.

Section II: Guide To Selection Of Flow Measurement Methods

Putzmeister America

"The finish on nuts shall be the same type as that on the bolts they are mating with."

GENERAL NOTE: Always test with full tip insertion.

Another Very Serious Question

Ok, guys — how about this one?

Dear Assholes Blasting Music On The Street Loud Enough For Me To Hear With My Windows Closed And My Television On:

SHUT.

THE.

FUCK.

UP!!!

Don't MAKE me turn this into Do The Right Thing down there, you inconsiderate fucks...

Walking With Psycho-saurs

Since when did they start letting Insane Clown Posse teach religion classes in Australia?

Some real scientific-like intellectual shit.

My favorite excerpt:

"The scripture teacher told the class that all people were descended from Adam and Eve," he said. "My daughter rightly pointed out, as I had been teaching her about DNA and science, that 'wouldn't they all be inbred?' But the teacher replied that DNA wasn't invented then."

Maybe the teacher has a point. That statement does make her sound inbred...

Very Serious Question

What do you guys think — should I make this my new avatar...?

Talkin' 'Bout My Generation

Of the following 2 choices, which do you believe most accurately applies to the recent Washington, D.C. "Restoring Honor" rally, audaciously held on the anniversary of Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.'s historical "I Have A Dream" speech?

(A) "The Woodstock of the next generation" [excerpt courtesy of Glenn Beck]
(B) "Glenn Beck's Slob Picnic" [excerpt courtesy of Wonkette]

For those of you who chose (A) and are keeping track at home, the order now goes:

1. Original Woodstock
2. Mud Woodstock*
3. Fire Woodstock
4. Teabaggage Woodstock, aka (to fallaciously reference another generation-defining music festival), GlennBeckPalooza

*I WAS AT THAT ONE!!! HOW FUCKIN' COOL AM I?!?