Flashback: January 2008...
So, for those of you who don't travel in these sorts of circles, the Tony award-winning Broadway musical The 25th Annual Putnam County Spelling Bee will be closing on January 20th after a two-and-a-half year run. Upon hearing this news about three weeks ago — especially as an actress, a singer, and the bearer of an English degree, who lives for all things quirky — I was kicking myself for having missed the chance to see it.
Until I realized that I have a sister who does travel in these sorts of circles.
And who happened to be paying attention during this particular lament of mine, and who remembered it come Christmas present-buying time.
Which is how I came to be onstage with the cast, under the spotlights of the Circle in the Square Theater, beaming from ear to ear during yesterday evening's performance.
But let me back up a bit...
Technically, this is not the first time I've been in this sort of situation. For my 20th birthday, my mom took me to see Grease (with Rosie O'Donnell — remember that??), and when I made a request to the guy playing Vince Fontaine, who was spinning rock 'n' roll records before the show, I mentioned that it was my birthday, and he pulled me up onstage to dance (of course, I can't prove this because when Mom tried to take a picture of it, security confiscated her camera). And when I had front-row seats for the Broadway revival of The Rocky Horror Show about 8 years ago, I managed to jump onstage to dance with one of the Phantoms during the Time Warp — but then again, we are talking about Rocky Horror.* As for the Bee, I've only heard rumors of audience participation, so I'm not getting my hopes up.
*Case in point: When I saw it again the next year (with Sebastian Bach — remember that??) and somehow ended up being the only one in the audience who yelled out (per "the script") "What's your favorite toothpaste?" right before the word "gleam" in "I Can Make You A Man," and then "Mine's Crest — I like the PUMP!" right after it, Terrance Mann as Dr. Frank broke character to look right at me and shout back "Get your own damn show!"
The lobby of the theater is decorated like the hallways of a real middle school. Handwritten signs and posters advertising bake sales and club meetings, "Read to Achieve!" and all those other cheesy inspirational slogans plastered everywhere, actual rows of lockers, and — my personal favorite — a "Putnam County Lady Pirhanas — 1998 Field Hockey Champions" banner hanging from the ceiling. Against one wall is a "Volunteer Speller Registration" table, so, curious, I get in line. The cute gay boy with the clipboard asks me my name, where I'm from, if I'm a good speller, if I ever do word puzzles, if I think I'd be nervous on a stage in front of about 500 people. I feel like answering every question with, "Are you kidding me?? Do you even know who you're talking to here??" He thanks me for volunteering and I am then told that only four people will be picked to be a part of the show. Four people out of about 500. Everyone waiting in the lobby has been on this line. There are still people waiting behind me. Registration eventually closes and they have to turn people away. When they come back out to announce the winners, I try to ready myself for the inevitable disappointment.
My name is the first one they call. >:)
My fellow spellers are another girl, about my age, maybe younger, with dark curly hair, who is actually taller than me (!); a precocious and adorably geek-chic, 10- or 11-year-old boy named Jack; and an older, somewhat Middle Eastern-looking man with a name I'm not even going to attempt to spell. Hopefully, it won't be the word I'm given during the competition. We are escorted to a small backstage office full of technical equipment for our "orientation." We are told where to come onstage, what to do once we're up there, how to adjust the microphone. We are told not to bring any electronic devices with us, to just react naturally and enjoy the show, and that the actors will help us. It is repeated several times, with great emphasis, that before we spell the word we're given, no matter how hard or easy a word it may be, we MUST ask two questions: "Can I have the definition, please?" and "Can you please use it in a sentence?" — and in that EXACT order. Then we are instructed very explicitly to NOT try to be funny: "Don't tell jokes or stay up there longer than you need to when you're done spelling. As funny as it may seem in your head, trust me, it's not going to be that funny. There are trained professionals up there for that; they don't need your help."
On my way back to my seat, I decide to try and play it like I wasn't picked after all, like I was just in the bathroom the whole time or something, so it will be a total surprise to my mom when they call me up, but she knows right away: "Well, first of all, you didn't come back in with the rest of them, and second, you're grinning like an idiot."
I am so excited I barely even hear the opening number; I'm focused solely on waiting for my cue. The "moderator" finally announces my name and the whole theater starts rustling and whispering and turning around to look as I jump out of my seat, plow past the rest of my row and skip down the aisle...then practically trip onto the stage. Yep, I definitely belong here — I am a true dork.
My number, as indicated by the enormous square of bright yellow cardboard hung around my neck, is 28 — coincidentally, the same number Al Sharpton was given when he was a guest speller during the Tony Awards performance. "Chip," the Cub Scout and "reigning champion," shows me where to sit on the bleachers. There's a musical number, I'm involved in a sight gag which I pull off like a pro, two actors are called up to spell, and then it's my turn.
I make my way a little nervously to the microphone at the front of the stage as the moderator perkily announces, "Miss Godan was voted 'Miss Congeniality' by her class for inviting the entire football team to her slumber party!" I play along with a demure little smile, and the audience cracks up. Man, I am loving this!
And then my word is "pakapu."
I am crestfallen. I have never heard this word before in my life. At least the audience seems to be enjoying/sharing in my reaction of utter confusion. I ask for the definition, as instructed (apparently it's some sort of Chinese lottery). I ask for a sentence, but the audience starts laughing so loudly I don't even hear it. Not like it would have even helped — the girl before me whose word was "jihad" got something like, "Mohammed always prepared the camel meat fresh each day at Ahmed's Jihad Deli."
[On a similar note: A few rounds later, another volunteer speller gets the word "cow," and sheepishly asks — as he's been told he absolutely MUST do — for the definition and for use in a sentence. The responses to these questions are, respectively: "It's a cow!" and "Spell the word 'cow'!"]
I tentatively repeat the word ("pock-a-poo...?"), then string together some reasonable-sounding letters and glance back at the judges hopefully.
*ding*
"I'm sorry, that's incorrect."
Devastation — I am the first contestant to be eliminated.
My mom tells me later that my face at that moment was perfect, that I really looked like a sad little girl. The audience gets a big laugh out of the "comfort counselor" — a large, thugged-out black man who is supposedly on parole and performing his "community service" — as he gives me a hug and a juice box before sending me back to my seat. At least I'm the first person to get "comforted," I think; the joke hasn't gotten old yet. Strangely, I do take some comfort in this. And maybe now I'll actually be able to hear the show — when you're onstage, everyone is singing with their backs to you, and I'm part-deaf as it is. And I was getting thirsty...
Afterwards, for the whole walk back to the train station, I can't stop giggling and asking did I sound ok and are you sure it was funny? I mean, people were laughing, right? I am so ridiculously proud of myself I'm practically floating down the streets of Manhattan.
I owe Courtney something REALLY good for Christmas next year. :)
Thursday, February 4, 2010
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
Highlights
In honor of tonight's season premiere of Shear Genius on Bravo, here are some remarks I had previously made in response to Tom & Lorenzo's "Meet The Stylists!" post on Project RunGay:
JOEYOriginal bio:
Joey's affinity for luscious locks began at the age of 14, initially as a way to practice flirting with girls. But while sweeping hair at a family member's hairdressing business, he discovered his passion for hair went deeper. He soon left secondary school and took the plunge into professional hairdressing — which kept him both out of trouble and in with the ladies. Joey has since made a name for himself by directing hair for the Perth Fashion Festival, styling hair for "Precinct and Cream." He was recently honored as one of four finalists at this year's prestigious Hair Expo Australian Hairdresser of the Year Awards. Joey is currently the artistic director and part owner of Rokk Ebony salon and has won accolades at several cutting competitions including Hair Expo, Wella Trend Visions and Star Search Collections.
My value-added version:
Joey's affinity for luscious WOMEN began at the age of 14, initially as a way to practice flirting with GIRLS, BECAUSE HE IS STRAIGHT. But while sweeping hair at a family member's hairdressing business, AND NOT IN A SWISHY GAY WAY EITHER, he discovered his passion for WOMEN went deeper. He soon left secondary school and took the plunge into VAGINA and professional hairdressing — which kept him both out of GAY BARS and in with THE LADIES, BECAUSE HE IS STRAIGHT AND LOVES WOMEN. Joey has since made a name for himself by directing hair for the Perth Fashion Festival, styling hair for "Precinct and Cream," AND FUCKING WOMEN. He was recently honored as one of four finalists at this year's prestigious Hair Expo Australian Hairdresser of the Year Awards AND HIS DATE FOR THE EVENT WAS A SMOKIN' HOT BABE. Joey is currently the artistic director and part owner of Rokk Ebony salon and TOTALLY STRAIGHT. He has won accolades at several cutting competitions including Hair Expo, Wella Trend Visions and Star Search Collections AND HE IS A STRAIGHT MAN WHO LOVES THE LADIES.
Joey's affinity for luscious locks began at the age of 14, initially as a way to practice flirting with girls. But while sweeping hair at a family member's hairdressing business, he discovered his passion for hair went deeper. He soon left secondary school and took the plunge into professional hairdressing — which kept him both out of trouble and in with the ladies. Joey has since made a name for himself by directing hair for the Perth Fashion Festival, styling hair for "Precinct and Cream." He was recently honored as one of four finalists at this year's prestigious Hair Expo Australian Hairdresser of the Year Awards. Joey is currently the artistic director and part owner of Rokk Ebony salon and has won accolades at several cutting competitions including Hair Expo, Wella Trend Visions and Star Search Collections.
My value-added version:
Joey's affinity for luscious WOMEN began at the age of 14, initially as a way to practice flirting with GIRLS, BECAUSE HE IS STRAIGHT. But while sweeping hair at a family member's hairdressing business, AND NOT IN A SWISHY GAY WAY EITHER, he discovered his passion for WOMEN went deeper. He soon left secondary school and took the plunge into VAGINA and professional hairdressing — which kept him both out of GAY BARS and in with THE LADIES, BECAUSE HE IS STRAIGHT AND LOVES WOMEN. Joey has since made a name for himself by directing hair for the Perth Fashion Festival, styling hair for "Precinct and Cream," AND FUCKING WOMEN. He was recently honored as one of four finalists at this year's prestigious Hair Expo Australian Hairdresser of the Year Awards AND HIS DATE FOR THE EVENT WAS A SMOKIN' HOT BABE. Joey is currently the artistic director and part owner of Rokk Ebony salon and TOTALLY STRAIGHT. He has won accolades at several cutting competitions including Hair Expo, Wella Trend Visions and Star Search Collections AND HE IS A STRAIGHT MAN WHO LOVES THE LADIES.
BRIGOriginal bio:
Owner of P!ay Hair Lounge, Brig has worked in the beauty industry for 13 years. After moving salons six times and growing frustrated with a traditional salon model that seemed to leave the stylists and the clients unsatisfied, Brig decided to change the mold. She is known for providing honest opinions and helping her clients recreate a professional hairstyle at home. Brig stays current by attending monthly classes, including instruction at Bumble & Bumble University in New York. She also spends time behind the camera photographing models and helping promote the work of other P!ay stylists. Brig has been featured in Life & Style Magazine, and her work has been seen in Modern Salon, American Salon Magazine, and on the television series What Not to Wear.
My value-added version:
Owner of P!#%ay Hair Lounge, Brig has worked in the beauty industry for 13 years AND IS OUT OF HER GODDAMN MIND. After moving salons six times BECAUSE SHE SCARED HER CUSTOMERS' SMALL CHILDREN and growing frustrated with traditional PUNCTUATION that seemed to leave the stylists LEGALLY BLIND and the clients FRIGHTENED, Brig decided to change the mold INTO PENICILLIN. She is known for BEING BATSHIT INSANE, providing BIZARRE opinions and helping her clients recreate a professional CYNDI-LAUPER-IMPERSONATOR hairstyle at home. Brig stays current by attending monthly CULT MEETINGS, including instruction at THE OFF-BROADWAY SHOW AWESOME '80s PROM in New York. She also spends time behind the camera SMOKING CRACK and helping promote the work of other P!#%@^&ay stylists. Brig has been ASKED "WHAT THE HELL KIND OF NAME IS 'BRIG' ANYWAY?", and her work has been seen in Modern Salon, American Salon Magazine, and HER WARDROBE HAS BEEN FEATURED on the television series What Not to Wear.
Owner of P!ay Hair Lounge, Brig has worked in the beauty industry for 13 years. After moving salons six times and growing frustrated with a traditional salon model that seemed to leave the stylists and the clients unsatisfied, Brig decided to change the mold. She is known for providing honest opinions and helping her clients recreate a professional hairstyle at home. Brig stays current by attending monthly classes, including instruction at Bumble & Bumble University in New York. She also spends time behind the camera photographing models and helping promote the work of other P!ay stylists. Brig has been featured in Life & Style Magazine, and her work has been seen in Modern Salon, American Salon Magazine, and on the television series What Not to Wear.
My value-added version:
Owner of P!#%ay Hair Lounge, Brig has worked in the beauty industry for 13 years AND IS OUT OF HER GODDAMN MIND. After moving salons six times BECAUSE SHE SCARED HER CUSTOMERS' SMALL CHILDREN and growing frustrated with traditional PUNCTUATION that seemed to leave the stylists LEGALLY BLIND and the clients FRIGHTENED, Brig decided to change the mold INTO PENICILLIN. She is known for BEING BATSHIT INSANE, providing BIZARRE opinions and helping her clients recreate a professional CYNDI-LAUPER-IMPERSONATOR hairstyle at home. Brig stays current by attending monthly CULT MEETINGS, including instruction at THE OFF-BROADWAY SHOW AWESOME '80s PROM in New York. She also spends time behind the camera SMOKING CRACK and helping promote the work of other P!#%@^&ay stylists. Brig has been ASKED "WHAT THE HELL KIND OF NAME IS 'BRIG' ANYWAY?", and her work has been seen in Modern Salon, American Salon Magazine, and HER WARDROBE HAS BEEN FEATURED on the television series What Not to Wear.
JANINEOriginal bio:
When she's not circling the globe running from photo shoot to fashion show, Janine can be found giving her clients their "mane" fix at her Hollywood salon, Hairroin. She has been experimenting with hair design and technique since the age of 14 and enrolled in cosmetology school soon after graduating high school. Within her first five years, Janine had styled some of Hollywood's hottest stars including Fergie, Britney Spears, Scarlett Johansson and Christina Applegate. She served as the go-to stylist for Carmen Electra and the sexy burlesque group The Pussycat Dolls, whom she styled through their transition from vaudeville act to MTV video vixens. From 2000 to 2007, Janine worked alongside her two mentors at Sexy Hair products, assisting in the development and launching of new product lines, as well as in the role of elite platform and international educator. In 2009, Janine joined the Sebastian Professional Design Team and now represents the brand on the West Coast.
My value-added version:
When she's not circling the globe running from STREET CORNER TO STRIPPER POLE, Janine can be found giving her clients HEAD at her Hollywood salon, HAIRROIN [NOTE: I did not have to change that part]. She has been experimenting with DRUGS and SEXUAL technique since the age of 14 and enrolled in cosmetology school soon after FLUNKING OUT OF high school AND APPLYING FOR A JOB AT HOOTERS. Within her first five years, Janine had HERPES, JUST LIKE some of Hollywood's hottest stars including Fergie, Britney Spears, Scarlett Johansson and Christina Applegate. She served as the go-to stylist for CARMEN ELECTRA [I didn't have to change that part either] and the sexy burlesque group The Pussycat Dolls, whom she styled through their transition from vaudeville act to TOTAL WHORES. From 2000 to 2007, Janine worked UNDERNEATH her two mentors at SEXY HAIR PRODUCTS [This shit just gets better and better!], assisting in the development and launching of new SEX TOY lines, as well as in the role of elite CALL GIRL and international SEX educator. In 2009, Janine joined the ADULT FILM ACTORS UNION and now IMPERSONATES TIFFANI-AMBER THEISSEN on the West Coast.
My value-added version:
When she's not circling the globe running from STREET CORNER TO STRIPPER POLE, Janine can be found giving her clients HEAD at her Hollywood salon, HAIRROIN [NOTE: I did not have to change that part]. She has been experimenting with DRUGS and SEXUAL technique since the age of 14 and enrolled in cosmetology school soon after FLUNKING OUT OF high school AND APPLYING FOR A JOB AT HOOTERS. Within her first five years, Janine had HERPES, JUST LIKE some of Hollywood's hottest stars including Fergie, Britney Spears, Scarlett Johansson and Christina Applegate. She served as the go-to stylist for CARMEN ELECTRA [I didn't have to change that part either] and the sexy burlesque group The Pussycat Dolls, whom she styled through their transition from vaudeville act to TOTAL WHORES. From 2000 to 2007, Janine worked UNDERNEATH her two mentors at SEXY HAIR PRODUCTS [This shit just gets better and better!], assisting in the development and launching of new SEX TOY lines, as well as in the role of elite CALL GIRL and international SEX educator. In 2009, Janine joined the ADULT FILM ACTORS UNION and now IMPERSONATES TIFFANI-AMBER THEISSEN on the West Coast.
APRIL
Way-too-easy version:
April began her career in the late eighties AND HAS BEEN STUCK THERE EVER SINCE.
Also, if I could be this chick...
...for just ONE DAY of my life, it would be the most fabulous day ever. *sigh*
Phrases In Spanish That I Remember Solely To Confuse People
Yo tengo queso en mis ojos.
¿Quieres albóndigas? ¡Si, siempre!
¿La basura, por favor?
¡Las balsas salvavidas!
¿Donde están mis zapatos? ¡En la biblioteca con mi gato!
¿Qué hora es? Queso.
¿Quieres albóndigas? ¡Si, siempre!
¿La basura, por favor?
¡Las balsas salvavidas!
¿Donde están mis zapatos? ¡En la biblioteca con mi gato!
¿Qué hora es? Queso.
Back To Our Regularly Scheduled Programming
NeuroticGirl began its life as a prospective band name. Of course, I don't write music, and while I may be a karaoke goddess, I've never been in a band, but that never stopped me from visualizing a life of fame and really cool stage outfits. I was particularly fond of coming up with ideas for album covers. My eponymous debut was going to be a picture of the mini-fridge in my college dorm room with "NeuroticGirl" spelled out on it in crooked, colorful alphabet magnets. And before (of all freakin' people) Fountains Of Wayne stole the idea, my follow-up was going to be called "Utopia Parkway," and the cover would have been a shot of the actual Utopia Parkway exit sign with "NeuroticGirl" spray-painted across it. Genius, right?
As a word person as well, I also spent a lot of time coming up with catchy, cryptic-sounding song titles, like "The Devil You Know" and "If Not Now." These "songs" had no lyrics or melodies, and I had no idea what they might even be about, but they kept me amused. Or delusional, however you choose to see it.
My sister, however, is in a band, and she's kind of my hero for that. She writes lyrics and sings and she just looks like a rock star. Their sound is kind of ska-punk-pop, and they kick ass. I'm not just saying that either — after seeing them play for the first time, my brother confessed to me, "You know, I just came to this show thinking, ok, it's my sister, this is just some thing she's doing, I'll be nice, but they're actually good!"
They've gone through a lot of personnel changes since their inception. Originally, they included 3 Johns; now there are 2 Mikes. And there was more than a little confusion at the start on the issue of a name. They went through a few incarnations, but someone always thought it didn't feel right. This is when inspiration struck — for me, that is. Scrolling back through my mental list of phantom song titles, I made a suggestion, and they hit upon a solution.
Ladies and gentlemen, may I introduce to you: All Out Riot.
Knowing I've contributed in some small way to their existence makes me feel a little less sheepish about living vicariously through their experiences. I sing along to every song out in the crowd, and like any proud and fame(-by-proxy)-craving sibling, I love shouting "That's my little sister!" when she's up there onstage.
My new imaginary band name is "Very Small Monster." Thank you, Cleveland!
As a word person as well, I also spent a lot of time coming up with catchy, cryptic-sounding song titles, like "The Devil You Know" and "If Not Now." These "songs" had no lyrics or melodies, and I had no idea what they might even be about, but they kept me amused. Or delusional, however you choose to see it.
My sister, however, is in a band, and she's kind of my hero for that. She writes lyrics and sings and she just looks like a rock star. Their sound is kind of ska-punk-pop, and they kick ass. I'm not just saying that either — after seeing them play for the first time, my brother confessed to me, "You know, I just came to this show thinking, ok, it's my sister, this is just some thing she's doing, I'll be nice, but they're actually good!"
They've gone through a lot of personnel changes since their inception. Originally, they included 3 Johns; now there are 2 Mikes. And there was more than a little confusion at the start on the issue of a name. They went through a few incarnations, but someone always thought it didn't feel right. This is when inspiration struck — for me, that is. Scrolling back through my mental list of phantom song titles, I made a suggestion, and they hit upon a solution.
Ladies and gentlemen, may I introduce to you: All Out Riot.
Knowing I've contributed in some small way to their existence makes me feel a little less sheepish about living vicariously through their experiences. I sing along to every song out in the crowd, and like any proud and fame(-by-proxy)-craving sibling, I love shouting "That's my little sister!" when she's up there onstage.
My new imaginary band name is "Very Small Monster." Thank you, Cleveland!
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
Scattered Thoughts On The 2010 Miss America Pageant (Continued)
This dance number is the most awkward thing ever.
I hate when they say "YOUR Miss Wisconsin!" I'm not from Wisconsin. You're not "my" anything. I don't want you.
Jesus! New Jersey scared the crap out of me.
Some of these girls sound really bitchy — "No, I CAN'T see Russia from my house," "Yes, security IS tighter here than at the White House state dinner," "The only state where you have the FREEDOM to be smart" — stop trying to be political. I don't care what they call it nowadays, it's a damn beauty pageant.
Miss Nevada's "World Series/Pokerface" line: WIN.
"Taylor-Treat-and-I-love-sweets!" needs to shut the fuck up right now.
For Christ's sake, Kelly, the girl's in a state of shock and has 3 minutes to glue her ass into a bikini — stop trying to interview her!
Jesus! Miss Colorado is 8 feet tall.
Dancer, singer, singer, singer, dancer, singer, singer, pianist, singer, singer. Why do we never get to see a chick Jello-wrestle or rock a drum solo or solve a Rubik's cube for their talent? Even a violinist would be a nice change of pace.
And of course, Miss Hawaii is going to do the hula. There's no way she tops this:
Last year's Miss Hawaii
Clinton needs to stop talking about how they won't let him into the dressing room. It's getting creepy.
Dang, these gowns are hideous. Get these chicks on Project Runway STAT!
Oh good! Here comes the really uncomfortable part!
Jesus! What the hell is Louisiana wearing?
God, this is like when they make the Victoria's Secret models talk.
YES!!! Mario Lopez: "What must you be thinking right now?" Miss D.C.: "Hurry up." LMAO!
New Mexico's on quaaludes.
I guess I'm rooting for California.
...so of course, she comes in second.
Annnnnd Virginia takes the pot.
Aww, her mom is crying. I can totally picture her shouting "My baby is Miss America!" just like Danielle crying "I'm a Cover Girl, mommy!" when she won Top Model.
...even though her baby looks like a beaded banana.
[Special thanks to Astra for that great line.]
I hate when they say "YOUR Miss Wisconsin!" I'm not from Wisconsin. You're not "my" anything. I don't want you.
Jesus! New Jersey scared the crap out of me.
Some of these girls sound really bitchy — "No, I CAN'T see Russia from my house," "Yes, security IS tighter here than at the White House state dinner," "The only state where you have the FREEDOM to be smart" — stop trying to be political. I don't care what they call it nowadays, it's a damn beauty pageant.
Miss Nevada's "World Series/Pokerface" line: WIN.
"Taylor-Treat-and-I-love-sweets!" needs to shut the fuck up right now.
For Christ's sake, Kelly, the girl's in a state of shock and has 3 minutes to glue her ass into a bikini — stop trying to interview her!
Jesus! Miss Colorado is 8 feet tall.
Dancer, singer, singer, singer, dancer, singer, singer, pianist, singer, singer. Why do we never get to see a chick Jello-wrestle or rock a drum solo or solve a Rubik's cube for their talent? Even a violinist would be a nice change of pace.
And of course, Miss Hawaii is going to do the hula. There's no way she tops this:
Last year's Miss Hawaii
Clinton needs to stop talking about how they won't let him into the dressing room. It's getting creepy.
Dang, these gowns are hideous. Get these chicks on Project Runway STAT!
Oh good! Here comes the really uncomfortable part!
Jesus! What the hell is Louisiana wearing?
God, this is like when they make the Victoria's Secret models talk.
YES!!! Mario Lopez: "What must you be thinking right now?" Miss D.C.: "Hurry up." LMAO!
New Mexico's on quaaludes.
I guess I'm rooting for California.
...so of course, she comes in second.
Annnnnd Virginia takes the pot.
Aww, her mom is crying. I can totally picture her shouting "My baby is Miss America!" just like Danielle crying "I'm a Cover Girl, mommy!" when she won Top Model.
...even though her baby looks like a beaded banana.
[Special thanks to Astra for that great line.]
Scattered Thoughts On The 2010 Miss America Pageant
Pre-show (yes, I am such a fanatic that I watch the pre-show):
Good lord, since when does Clinton Kelly have facial hair? He looks horrible. You host a makeover show, dude! Didn't you look in the mirror?
Damn it, I was really hoping he was actually going to change into a bathing suit for his "swimsuit walk" lesson.
Hot DAMN! Miss Puerto Rico is GORGEOUS!
Are those clear stripper heels they're all wearing? Classy!
And Miss New York wins the preliminary swimsuit competition — heck yeah! REPRESENT!
OMG, Miss Puerto Rico's evening gown is GORGEOUS! I hope she takes this whole thing down.
Why does "the only redhead in the competition" have to look like Allison Janney?
I hate when they wear white. Bah.
Oh God, that ruffled periwinkle thing is atrocious. What is that, acetate?
Susan Powell says it's not all about the dresses and she wouldn't take points off if a girl stumbles. What's the freaking point of the whole evening gown competition then?
Jeez, none of these girls know how to work a runway. Totally stiff walks and frozen smiles.
...except, of course, Miss Puerto Rico. Strut that stuff, girl!
Holy shit, Miss New York's gown is FABULOUS! REPRESENT!
RUSH LIMBAUGH is a judge?? WTF??
I cringe every time one of these girls says "I, personally, am pro-life." I bet Rush is keeping tabs.
Oh, Christ: "It is my belief that marriage is the union between a man and a woman." Thank you, Carrie Prejean — NEXT!
Miss New York seems pretty chill and normal. Cool. REPRESENT!
Vivica Fox: "You aren't allowed to touch us." LMAO!
Ugh, stop calling them "chicken cutlets." That grosses me out. And how is that not cheating?
"Butt glue" sounds like a phrase I'd find in one of my engineering manuals. Or something really, really disgusting.
YES!!! WE HAVE A BATON TWIRLER!!!
Dang, Miss California! That was some back bend!
Speaking of flexibility, Miss New Mexico can tie a cherry stem in a knot with her tongue, and Miss Kentucky can zip herself into a suitcase. Just like Yen in Ocean's Twelve! How funny would it be if Clinton just left her in there for a few hours?
Oh my God, crazy eyes! Who the hell is this, Rhode Island? And she can recite like, a thousand decimals of pi? In a creepy monotone while staring into my soul, too? Good lord, this girl is scary.
"I believe I can be the next Miss America because it has been my dream ever since I was a little girl and I know I would be great at it." That's nice. I believe I could be a neurosurgeon because I've always wanted to be one and I think I'd be pretty good at it — hand me a scalpel!
More to come...
Good lord, since when does Clinton Kelly have facial hair? He looks horrible. You host a makeover show, dude! Didn't you look in the mirror?
Damn it, I was really hoping he was actually going to change into a bathing suit for his "swimsuit walk" lesson.
Hot DAMN! Miss Puerto Rico is GORGEOUS!
Are those clear stripper heels they're all wearing? Classy!
And Miss New York wins the preliminary swimsuit competition — heck yeah! REPRESENT!
OMG, Miss Puerto Rico's evening gown is GORGEOUS! I hope she takes this whole thing down.
Why does "the only redhead in the competition" have to look like Allison Janney?
I hate when they wear white. Bah.
Oh God, that ruffled periwinkle thing is atrocious. What is that, acetate?
Susan Powell says it's not all about the dresses and she wouldn't take points off if a girl stumbles. What's the freaking point of the whole evening gown competition then?
Jeez, none of these girls know how to work a runway. Totally stiff walks and frozen smiles.
...except, of course, Miss Puerto Rico. Strut that stuff, girl!
Holy shit, Miss New York's gown is FABULOUS! REPRESENT!
RUSH LIMBAUGH is a judge?? WTF??
I cringe every time one of these girls says "I, personally, am pro-life." I bet Rush is keeping tabs.
Oh, Christ: "It is my belief that marriage is the union between a man and a woman." Thank you, Carrie Prejean — NEXT!
Miss New York seems pretty chill and normal. Cool. REPRESENT!
Vivica Fox: "You aren't allowed to touch us." LMAO!
Ugh, stop calling them "chicken cutlets." That grosses me out. And how is that not cheating?
"Butt glue" sounds like a phrase I'd find in one of my engineering manuals. Or something really, really disgusting.
YES!!! WE HAVE A BATON TWIRLER!!!
Dang, Miss California! That was some back bend!
Speaking of flexibility, Miss New Mexico can tie a cherry stem in a knot with her tongue, and Miss Kentucky can zip herself into a suitcase. Just like Yen in Ocean's Twelve! How funny would it be if Clinton just left her in there for a few hours?
Oh my God, crazy eyes! Who the hell is this, Rhode Island? And she can recite like, a thousand decimals of pi? In a creepy monotone while staring into my soul, too? Good lord, this girl is scary.
"I believe I can be the next Miss America because it has been my dream ever since I was a little girl and I know I would be great at it." That's nice. I believe I could be a neurosurgeon because I've always wanted to be one and I think I'd be pretty good at it — hand me a scalpel!
More to come...
Monday, February 1, 2010
Scattered Thoughts On The 2010 Grammy Awards
In roughly chronological order:
GAGA!!!
Holy crap — Elton John! Genius!
Amazing. As always.
Colbert disses Adam. Grrr...
It took 4 people to write "Single Ladies"? It only has 4 lines!
Beyonce wins the first award of the night and she's backstage getting dressed. Well done, Grammy Award scheduler.
Why is J-Lo still relevant?
GREEN DAY!!!
Really cool performance. Soloist girl reminds me of someone from Rent. I will be seeing that show.
Sasha Fierce is HERE, bitches! I think she's wearing Atelier Versace.
Did she just grab her crotch?
What?? ALANIS?!? Is she there?!?!
No...?
NOOO!!! Stop! You’re KILLING it! GAH!
[This is when I text my sister, who was on DVR delay: "Are you up to Beyonce yet?" She responds: "Yeah. Not impressed." I respond: "Just wait." Sure enough, a few minutes later I get: "WHAT. THE. F??"]
Yeah, not impressed either. Too affected. All spectacle, no substance.
When did P!nk become a pagan priestess?
When did P!nk join Cirque du Soleil?
Have to give her props for still singing live while doing all that. Go on, girl!
[This is when my mom texts me: "Everyone's just trying to be more shocking than the last one. Doesn't anyone just SING anymore?"]
OMG SURVIVOR FEBRUARY 11TH!
AND COACH IS BACK!!!
Black-Eyed Peas — best entrance EVER!
...and all downhill from there.
Kings of Leon — best speech of the night.
Green Day — second-best speech of the night.
OMG AMAZING RACE FEBRUARY 14TH!
The singers they chose for this Michael Jackson tribute are the musical equivalent of that "A priest, a rabbi, and a duck" joke.
Jesus, stop dragging his kids out for this shit! Enough with the forced sympathy already. Anyone else want to exploit the man's legacy and capitalize on his death??
[Somewhere in here I completely fast-forwarded through Lady Antebellum and the Zac Brown Band. I'm sure you understand.]
Wow, Sheryl Crow is friends with some guy who won an award! Good for her!!!
HAI GUISE U THINK WYCLEF IS FROM HAITI? "I'mma speak some Creole now because I just murdered English."
Why do they keep pairing Andrea Boccelli with Mary J. Blige? They don't go together at all. In fact, why do they keep pairing Mary J. Blige with anyone? She always sounds like she's in pain.
[This is where my mom texts me: "See? Great performance and no swinging from the ceiling." I respond "That's because he's blind. He might fall." I am going to hell for this.]
Jamie Foxx and Slash...?
Mos Def and Placido Domingo...?
Katy Perry and Alice Cooper...? Man, this just keeps getting better!
Taylor Swift is no Stevie Nicks.
This is fucking ridiculous. SHE'S A GODDAMN TEENAGER, FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!
And I'm getting really tired of these "She's a cheerleader but I wear jeans and t-shirts so he'll never notice how special I am/Ha ha, you're a cheerleader but I wear jeans and t-shirts and he likes me better" lyrics. Paramore did it recently, Avril Lavigne did it 8 years ago, and it was just as annoying then. None of you will ever be Watts from Some Kind Of Wonderful, so try something original for a change.
Jesus, Kanye West is featured in EVERY ONE OF THESE SONGS!
Random little kid at the mic with Jay-Z and Rihanna — new best speech of the night.
Aww, Dave Matthews Band. That was sweet. Simple, nice little performance. Love Boyd the violinist.
Jeff Bridges is awesome.
I like this rockabilly girl.
Quentin Tarantino is obnoxious.
I don’t know or care to know who "Drake" is. I thought they said Dre. Dang.
[This is when my mom and I simultaneously text each other: "PULL YOUR DAMN PANTS UP!"]
Oh my goodness, that old man looked so handsome in his little white hat! Precious!
Ke$ha looks like she's been in, or is shortly going to be in, a bar fight.
Who is this kid? God, he's a mess. Just read the teleprompter!
YESSS! "Living On A Prayer" wins!
...and they only play one verse? WTF, Jon?
GaGa looks INCREDIBLE! Feel bad for anyone sitting behind her, though.
John Legend's a classy guy.
Taylor Swift blah blah fairy tale blah blah.
Conclusion: GaGa was robbed, and I should have just gone to bed after Green Day.
Thank you, Cleveland!
GAGA!!!
Holy crap — Elton John! Genius!
Amazing. As always.
Colbert disses Adam. Grrr...
It took 4 people to write "Single Ladies"? It only has 4 lines!
Beyonce wins the first award of the night and she's backstage getting dressed. Well done, Grammy Award scheduler.
Why is J-Lo still relevant?
GREEN DAY!!!
Really cool performance. Soloist girl reminds me of someone from Rent. I will be seeing that show.
Sasha Fierce is HERE, bitches! I think she's wearing Atelier Versace.
Did she just grab her crotch?
What?? ALANIS?!? Is she there?!?!
No...?
NOOO!!! Stop! You’re KILLING it! GAH!
[This is when I text my sister, who was on DVR delay: "Are you up to Beyonce yet?" She responds: "Yeah. Not impressed." I respond: "Just wait." Sure enough, a few minutes later I get: "WHAT. THE. F??"]
Yeah, not impressed either. Too affected. All spectacle, no substance.
When did P!nk become a pagan priestess?
When did P!nk join Cirque du Soleil?
Have to give her props for still singing live while doing all that. Go on, girl!
[This is when my mom texts me: "Everyone's just trying to be more shocking than the last one. Doesn't anyone just SING anymore?"]
OMG SURVIVOR FEBRUARY 11TH!
AND COACH IS BACK!!!
Black-Eyed Peas — best entrance EVER!
...and all downhill from there.
Kings of Leon — best speech of the night.
Green Day — second-best speech of the night.
OMG AMAZING RACE FEBRUARY 14TH!
The singers they chose for this Michael Jackson tribute are the musical equivalent of that "A priest, a rabbi, and a duck" joke.
Jesus, stop dragging his kids out for this shit! Enough with the forced sympathy already. Anyone else want to exploit the man's legacy and capitalize on his death??
[Somewhere in here I completely fast-forwarded through Lady Antebellum and the Zac Brown Band. I'm sure you understand.]
Wow, Sheryl Crow is friends with some guy who won an award! Good for her!!!
HAI GUISE U THINK WYCLEF IS FROM HAITI? "I'mma speak some Creole now because I just murdered English."
Why do they keep pairing Andrea Boccelli with Mary J. Blige? They don't go together at all. In fact, why do they keep pairing Mary J. Blige with anyone? She always sounds like she's in pain.
[This is where my mom texts me: "See? Great performance and no swinging from the ceiling." I respond "That's because he's blind. He might fall." I am going to hell for this.]
Jamie Foxx and Slash...?
Mos Def and Placido Domingo...?
Katy Perry and Alice Cooper...? Man, this just keeps getting better!
Taylor Swift is no Stevie Nicks.
This is fucking ridiculous. SHE'S A GODDAMN TEENAGER, FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!
And I'm getting really tired of these "She's a cheerleader but I wear jeans and t-shirts so he'll never notice how special I am/Ha ha, you're a cheerleader but I wear jeans and t-shirts and he likes me better" lyrics. Paramore did it recently, Avril Lavigne did it 8 years ago, and it was just as annoying then. None of you will ever be Watts from Some Kind Of Wonderful, so try something original for a change.
Jesus, Kanye West is featured in EVERY ONE OF THESE SONGS!
Random little kid at the mic with Jay-Z and Rihanna — new best speech of the night.
Aww, Dave Matthews Band. That was sweet. Simple, nice little performance. Love Boyd the violinist.
Jeff Bridges is awesome.
I like this rockabilly girl.
Quentin Tarantino is obnoxious.
I don’t know or care to know who "Drake" is. I thought they said Dre. Dang.
[This is when my mom and I simultaneously text each other: "PULL YOUR DAMN PANTS UP!"]
Oh my goodness, that old man looked so handsome in his little white hat! Precious!
Ke$ha looks like she's been in, or is shortly going to be in, a bar fight.
Who is this kid? God, he's a mess. Just read the teleprompter!
YESSS! "Living On A Prayer" wins!
...and they only play one verse? WTF, Jon?
GaGa looks INCREDIBLE! Feel bad for anyone sitting behind her, though.
John Legend's a classy guy.
Taylor Swift blah blah fairy tale blah blah.
Conclusion: GaGa was robbed, and I should have just gone to bed after Green Day.
Thank you, Cleveland!
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