Scattered Thoughts On The 2010 Grammy Awards

In roughly chronological order:

GAGA!!!

Holy crap — Elton John! Genius!

Amazing. As always.

Colbert disses Adam. Grrr...

It took 4 people to write "Single Ladies"? It only has 4 lines!

Beyonce wins the first award of the night and she's backstage getting dressed. Well done, Grammy Award scheduler.

Why is J-Lo still relevant?

GREEN DAY!!!

Really cool performance. Soloist girl reminds me of someone from Rent. I will be seeing that show.

Sasha Fierce is HERE, bitches! I think she's wearing Atelier Versace.

Did she just grab her crotch?

What?? ALANIS?!? Is she there?!?!

No...?

NOOO!!! Stop! You’re KILLING it! GAH!

[This is when I text my sister, who was on DVR delay: "Are you up to Beyonce yet?" She responds: "Yeah. Not impressed." I respond: "Just wait." Sure enough, a few minutes later I get: "WHAT. THE. F??"]

Yeah, not impressed either. Too affected. All spectacle, no substance.

When did P!nk become a pagan priestess?

When did P!nk join Cirque du Soleil?

Have to give her props for still singing live while doing all that. Go on, girl!

[This is when my mom texts me: "Everyone's just trying to be more shocking than the last one. Doesn't anyone just SING anymore?"]

OMG SURVIVOR FEBRUARY 11TH!

AND COACH IS BACK!!!

Black-Eyed Peas — best entrance EVER!

...and all downhill from there.

Kings of Leon — best speech of the night.

Green Day — second-best speech of the night.

OMG AMAZING RACE FEBRUARY 14TH!

The singers they chose for this Michael Jackson tribute are the musical equivalent of that "A priest, a rabbi, and a duck" joke.

Jesus, stop dragging his kids out for this shit! Enough with the forced sympathy already. Anyone else want to exploit the man's legacy and capitalize on his death??

[Somewhere in here I completely fast-forwarded through Lady Antebellum and the Zac Brown Band. I'm sure you understand.]

Wow, Sheryl Crow is friends with some guy who won an award! Good for her!!!

HAI GUISE U THINK WYCLEF IS FROM HAITI? "I'mma speak some Creole now because I just murdered English."

Why do they keep pairing Andrea Boccelli with Mary J. Blige? They don't go together at all. In fact, why do they keep pairing Mary J. Blige with anyone? She always sounds like she's in pain.

[This is where my mom texts me: "See? Great performance and no swinging from the ceiling." I respond "That's because he's blind. He might fall." I am going to hell for this.]

Jamie Foxx and Slash...?

Mos Def and Placido Domingo...?

Katy Perry and Alice Cooper...? Man, this just keeps getting better!

Taylor Swift is no Stevie Nicks.

This is fucking ridiculous. SHE'S A GODDAMN TEENAGER, FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!

And I'm getting really tired of these "She's a cheerleader but I wear jeans and t-shirts so he'll never notice how special I am/Ha ha, you're a cheerleader but I wear jeans and t-shirts and he likes me better" lyrics. Paramore did it recently, Avril Lavigne did it 8 years ago, and it was just as annoying then. None of you will ever be Watts from Some Kind Of Wonderful, so try something original for a change.

Jesus, Kanye West is featured in EVERY ONE OF THESE SONGS!

Random little kid at the mic with Jay-Z and Rihanna — new best speech of the night.

Aww, Dave Matthews Band. That was sweet. Simple, nice little performance. Love Boyd the violinist.

Jeff Bridges is awesome.

I like this rockabilly girl.

Quentin Tarantino is obnoxious.

I don’t know or care to know who "Drake" is. I thought they said Dre. Dang.

[This is when my mom and I simultaneously text each other: "PULL YOUR DAMN PANTS UP!"]

Oh my goodness, that old man looked so handsome in his little white hat! Precious!

Ke$ha looks like she's been in, or is shortly going to be in, a bar fight.

Who is this kid? God, he's a mess. Just read the teleprompter!

YESSS! "Living On A Prayer" wins!

...and they only play one verse? WTF, Jon?

GaGa looks INCREDIBLE! Feel bad for anyone sitting behind her, though.

John Legend's a classy guy.

Taylor Swift blah blah fairy tale blah blah.

Conclusion: GaGa was robbed, and I should have just gone to bed after Green Day.

Thank you, Cleveland!