A comment from a web friend (that sounds much less creepy than "follower," no?) on yesterday's post made mention of roller derby, specifically derby names, and now I'm all nostalgaic.
For those of you who don't know, I used to be a roller girl. For about 2 years I played for the Long Island Roller Rebels, Long Island's only all-female flat-track roller derby league. I skated in two full bouts and one exhibition at Warped Tour. Admittedly, I wasn't very good — my signature move was falling down; if I was lucky I took an opposing player down with me — which is why I only lasted 2 years. These girls are FIERCE. This is a real sport, requiring training, strategy, and physical skill. If you're only in it for the culture, you'll get schooled pretty fast.
Which I did.
Still, I got to work the door at bouts, sell merch, and do publicity, which was awesome enough. I learned a helluva lot, my teammates more than earned my respect, and I still love this crazy pastime with all my heart.
One of my favorite things about it was the names. I'm a word person, after all. Some of my favorites included:
* Carnage Electra
* Butterscotch Cripple
* Iris Carbomb
* Roxie Heartless
* SnuffAnothaBitch
* Regine Bull
* Mary Jane Rottencrotch
* Alison Chains
* Lauren Disorder
* Domestic Violet
* Amaretto Sourpuss
...and my personal favorite:
* Helluva Bottom Carter
I was Peta Sassin (pronounced "Paid-a" — get it??), number AK-47. Some of my other choices had been Thea Pocalypse, Scarlett O'Horror, and Kitty Porn. I really wanted Sybil Disobedience, but it had already been claimed by a girl in Arizona. My sister, Courtney, is Courter Pound-Her. My brother, whose career as a ref was even briefer than mine, was Guy N'Cologist. New players come up with even more outstanding ones everyday. It's infinitely amusing to me.
So when Diablo Cody started trending "#celebritybabyrollerderbynames" on Twitter a while back, I was all over it.
And here, for your entertainment, the fruits of my labor:
* Violent Affleck (Jennifer Garner and Ben Affleck)
* Surly Cruise (Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise)
* Zoom-a Rossdale (Gwen Stefani and Gavin Rossdale)
* Grapple Martin (Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin)
* Rocco-'Em Sock-'Em Ritchie (Madonna and Guy Ritchie)
* Lourdes-Have-Mercy Leon (Madonna and Carlos Leon)
* Fighter-Pilot Inspektor Lee (Beth Riesgraf and Jason Lee)
* Rough Ryder Robinson (Kate Hudson and Chris Robinson)
* Rumble-In-The-Bronx Wentz (Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz)
* Nail-Her Aubry (Halle Berry and Gabriel Aubry)
* Bank-It Jackson (Michael Jackson and ...?)
* Indio-Face Downey (Deborah Falconer and Robert Downey, Jr.)
* Honor Killing Warren (Jessica Alba and Cash Warren)
* Cruz-in' For A Bruisin' Beckham (Victoria and David Beckham)
* HardBlow Madden (Nicole Richie and Joel Madden)
* Deck-'Em Phillippe (Reese Witherspoon and Ryan Phillippe)
* Kyd Vicious Duchovny (Tea Leoni and David Duchovny)
* StunRay Urban (Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban)
* Max Iron-Fist Bratman (Christina Aguilera and Jordan Bratman)
* Coco-Loco Arquette (Courteney Cox and David Arquette)
* Harper's Bizarre Grohl (Jordyn and Dave Grohl)
* Alabama Slamma Barker (Shanna Moakler and Travis Barker)
* Moxie Crimefighter Jilette [no change necessary] (Emily Zolten and Penn Jillette)
The Deadly Duo:
* Purple Hazel and Phinneaus Him! Moder (Julia Roberts and Danny Moder)
Triple Threat:
* Tallulah Hell, Scout LaRue-The-Day and Doom-Her Glenn Willis (Demi Moore and Bruce Willis)
The Sin City Squad:
* Rocket, Racer, Rebel and Rogue Rodriguez [again, no changes necessary] (Elizabeth Avellan and Robert Rodriguez)
And finally, fielding their own entire team...
The Holy Shit!/Jolie-Pitts:
* Mad Maddox
* Zahara Show
* Shiloh-Can-U-Go
* Pax-A-Punch
...and the Twins of Terror:
* Vivisection and Knox-'Em-Out
Roll out with your hole out, bitches... >:)
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The Holy Shit@!/Jolie-Pitts- I love it. Inspired. Keep them coming.
ReplyDeleteThis was so funny...!!!
ReplyDeleteIt took me quite a while to get some of the names,
but it was worth the effort.
MUY BUENO :)
You know, I was wondering how they would translate for you. A lot of native English speakers don't even get them: "Huh? What does 'pet assassin' mean? You kill hamsters? What does that have to do with roller derby?" *sigh*
ReplyDeleteYeah...translating is the best way to murder a joke :)
ReplyDeleteBUT!!! Jewish Mexican princesses grow up in a totally USA's-the-best-country-in-the-fu**ing-planet brainwashed mode. So I'm familiar with the American ethos.
Wow, you're Jewish Mexican royalty? Do you wear a tiara?
ReplyDeleteThat's a joke. It doesn't need to be murdered; it's so bad it died on its own. :)
S'ok, I grew up on Long Island, aka the mecca of Jewish *American* princesses. Ha! I said "Mecca!" How's that for mixing metaphors? :)
I don't wear a tiara, but a fu**ing shavis (google it), and I own a new Mexican burrito for transportation, instead of the common camels so seen in Tel Aviv...
ReplyDeleteThis joke died even faster than yours :D
If you get to visit Jerusalem in the future, you'll learn that your mixed metaphor is a plain reality!