People Like You Are The Reason People Like Me Need Medication

There's a scene in The Robber Bride where Zenia asks Tony which she would rather have from other people: love, respect, or fear?

I always picked fear.

There's a lot of turmoil going on beneath my surface. I've been known to claim righteous indignation as one of my favorite emotions. I literally hiss at people who piss me off on the subway. I burn things when I need to vent. One time, when I was mad at my college roommate over a boy, she stayed in a friend's dorm for a week because, as she later admitted, she was afraid I might kill her in her sleep. So when I came across the link to this blog on The Sassy Curmudgeon (which, BTW, is AWESOME!) this morning, it was like some sort of Bizarro Christmas. It made me so angry that it made me happy again — kinda like drinking yourself sober. It completed me.

I will not be re-posting the link, however, because, if she's not trolling, I don't want to be responsible for giving this bitch any more traffic. Instead, I will simply paste here the content that fueled my outrage for your own delectation.

WARNING: Obnoxious content ahead...

January 10, 2010

I recently moved here from Santa Monica California. I grew up in Rochester, so I am no stranger to the east coast. But I was in SoCal for ten years. Saying it's a big adjustment is an understatement. But this is something that I noticed today.

Why I don't think I belong here in Park Slope...

I think fur is fabulous (please don't yell at me this isn’t about PETA). And I believe that being fabulous is FUN.

I could really just say that and be done with this whole essay on why the hell I stick out like a sore thumb here in this Brooklyn town. But since I have nothing else to do but wait for the season premier of Big Love, I’ll go on...

I have a sick 18 month old and a husband that would be happy just sitting on the couch watching youtube.com all Sunday. I had to get out of the house. And this wasn't easy, because reason number two I don't belong here is that it's 25 degrees. Umm, that's just not okay for me. Which is why I thought that putting on my mother's J. Mendel Mink Coat with my over the knee Prada boots was SO necessary for my walk.

Apparently, I'm the only one in Park Slope who wants to stay warm...and fabulous at the same time. I got some pretty interesting looks on my outing, and it's about time. To be honest, I was happy that they were taking notice that there is something else out there than long black The North Face down coats and mittens made in Nepal. I don't understand, you are missing out on all the fun it is to be Fabulous! I miss seeing other people all dolled up, contemplating what the new "it" bag is, and seeing the most incredible new Louboutins on the girl across the street.

I know what you'll say...go into Manhattan. Thing is, I have a baby and it's difficult to make the trek with him. And to be honest, I'm not sure that I'd find what I'm looking there either, because it's too damn cold! It's too cold to wear the newest spring collection pieces before spring (because they are coming out NOW!). It's too cold to wear my new Stella McCartney Navy bubble rain coat, or my sexy new Alexander Wang cowl neck tank.

So, like the rest of the group, I'll be wearing my JCrew turtleneck sweater, jeans and uggs. I'll sit at the playground with all the other kids who are cold and have running noses. And I'll stand there while the moms with the hipster combat boots, and knit caps don't talk to me.

But I'll know that I'm still fun and fabulous...I'll be wearing the inappropriate fur.

Oh, honey. Don't make me angry. You wouldn't like me when I'm angry...

BeccaGo said:

Hmm...

Maybe your 18-month-old is sick because, like me, he/she read your post and it made him/her so?

And maybe your husband spends all his time on “youtube.com” because, based on the name-dropping, limited vocabulary, and mindless subject matter of your post, it's more entertaining than you are?

And maybe those moms on the playground aren't talking to you because they're paying attention to their KIDS? You know, like PARENTS do?

Wait — what am I saying? I read your post. You obviously don't know that. Parents are only there to hand down FABULOUS J. Mendel mink coats! And you're just so FABULOUS, that yours must have done a FABULOUS job!

Go get smacked in the face with a knock-off bag.

Welcome to Brooklyn!