One Ring To Find Them...

When I started at my last job, I was working in the mailroom. This was only a temporary position, a stop-gap measure between "real" jobs, since I needed health insurance and didn't qualify for unemployment.

[NOTE TO SELF: Insubordination is not considered a legitimate cause for termination. Stop telling your superiors to fuck off.]

The mailroom of this particular company was located in the basement of the building, and this was rather symbolic, since this was also where they stuck all the people who they had to hire yet had no real positions for. My immediate co-workers were therefore the mentally challenged, the part-time high-school kids, and the non-English speakers with names like "Mukesh" and "Pannakumar." And I worked the overnight shift. So...yeah. It was a real freak show.

To top it all off, one of the supervisors in the basement had the annoying habit of walking into an area and instead of actually looking for the person he wanted, just standing there and repeatedly shouting, "Where is [insert employee's name here]?"

Example:

[SUPERVISOR enters stock room. Stands in doorway, immobile.]

Supervisor: "WHERE IS JOE?"

[Silence. Pause.]

Supervisor: "WHERE IS JOE?"

[Silence. Pause.]

Supervisor: "WHERE IS JOE?"

[Silence. Pause.]

Supervisor: "WHERE IS JOE?"

Not Joe: "Jesus Christ, he's obviously not here! Why don't you try the fuckin' toilet, for fuck's sake?"

[NOTE TO SELF: For future reference, answers such as these qualify as "insubordination."]

So, one day, I'm sitting at my desk, peacefully processing claim files, when everyone's favorite supervisor, in search of a certain unusually-named employee, appears in the doorway of the file room and bellows:

"WHERE IS ROHAN?

I shout back, "IT'S NEAR ISENGARD!"

Silence. Pause.

"Oh, c'mon, people — Rohan? Isengard? Lord of the Rings? No...?"

Silence. Pause.

Supervisor: "WHERE IS ROHAN?"

Ah, phooey. My witticism wasted on these philistines.