The phrase "making love."
People who blow their nose really thoroughly in public.
Co-workers who insist on carrying on a conversation while you're in adjacent bathroom stalls.
Eating a banana in front of someone.
Subway missionaries — not the crazy ones who scream about burning in Hell (they're fun to toy with), but the ones who just stand there, silently holding up pamphlets and smiling beatifically.
When someone in my party asks the waitress a lot of questions before ordering.
Those toilet paper commercials with the cartoon bears.
Picturing Tiger Woods having sex with anyone.
When people sitting next to me on the train are reading books with titles like "Healing Through The Catholic Mass."
Turning down those kids who go door-to-door selling candy or magazine subscriptions to help them "get an education" or "stay off the streets."
When you ask someone where they were the other day and instead of just answering "I was sick," they explain in detail the consistency of the phlegm they were coughing up or their 24-hour bout of diarrhea.
The word "diarrhea."
Interacting with anyone in a position of authority.
Hamsters.
Funerals.
Dating.
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Sorry I blew my nose at the funeral and made you eat that banana while talking about my diarrhea phlegm. And then about that time I brought my hamsters on a date with you. Sorry about that. But at least I know why I didn't get to first base.
ReplyDeleteActually, if someone brought hamsters on a date with me, they might cancel each other out for a combined awesome. Not sexually, tho.
ReplyDeleteha ha ha.
ReplyDelete