The Mother Load [sic]

Found all of these in a single chapter:

"Sensitive Leak Tests"

"Multiple Openings and Extruded Headers"

"Expanded Joints and Special Joints"

"Fabrication and Erection" ["9 inches, baby! I swear!"]

"Hardness Testing Acceptance Criteria"

"Bolting and Tapped Holes" [I always thought the guy bolted AFTER tapping the hole...]

"Hot Taps"

Status: Delivered

A guy in my office just had a baby (well, technically, his girlfriend had the baby) and sent this announcement via e-mail:

"Baby Causes Havoc In Brooklyn"
Stats:
Birth date: Dec. 20, 2011 (1st day of Hanukah; exactly one year before end of Mayan calendar)
Weight: 7 pounds, 1 ounce (3+ kilos)
Height: approximately the height of one baby
Eyes: very dark
Hair: too much for a baby
Feet: small
Languages: baby patois, fluent Yiddish, Yoruba, and several Cantonese dialects; restaurant Spanish
Interests: making fists with both hands and feet, looking at stuff in a confused manner, small business development, small gray cats, environmentally friendly diapers, public radio

I love my job. ♥

Alphabet City

An engineer left this comment today on the manuscript I gave him to review:

"I do not understand the symbol that looks like a big lower-case u written the size of a capital."

In other words, a capital U. He doesn't understand a capital letter U.

I love my job.

Take The Train To The Train...To The Train...

This was my commute this morning:

Board F train.
Go 2 stops.
Conductor: "This train will now be running on the G line."
Get off train.
Wait for next F train.
Next F train is PACKED.
Wait for next F train.
Board F train.
Go 1 stop.
Conductor: "This train will now be running on the G line."
Get off train.
No F train transfer available at this station.
Cross platform.
Board waiting A train.
Conductor: "This train will not be going into Manhattan."
Get off train.
Wait for next A train.
Walk 6 blocks to my office ON THE HOTTEST DAY OF THE YEAR as opposed to my normal 1.5.
Arrive at work 45 minutes late.

Happy Thursday, y'all!

Just Destroyin' 'Em!

Oh, those wild and crazy mechanical engineers, they're such a bunch of jokesters. An early morning e-mail exchange:

From: [name redacted]
To: All Staff
Subject: Atlanta office and staff OK
As you may know, tornados ravaged the South yesterday like Sherman marching to the Sea. The good news is the Atlanta staff, William and Kate, Charlie Sheen and The Donald all survived. Although we are all still a bit groggy from watching Mother Nature's targets on SuperDuperDoppler3000 well into the wee hours of the morning.*

* This a word-for-word, actual e-mail that the whole company, worldwide, actually received. Really. And yeah, he spelled "tornadoes" wrong, too.

From: Co-worker Mikey
To: BeccaGo
Subject: FW: Atlanta office and staff OK
Is this guy a failed comedian or something? This isn't the first time he's sent a "funny" message like this.

From: BeccaGo
To: Co-worker Mikey
I know. He tries way too hard. Seems kind of unprofessional/tactless for a natural disaster e-mail, no?

From: Co-worker Mikey
To: BeccaGo
Yeah, that was the other thing. It's like if he was head of the Japan office:
"Hey guys, it's been really 'wavy' here! Har har! Well, don't worry about us Japs 'cause, to quote 'Get Smart,' that tsunami 'missed us by thaaaat much!' So things may be gloomy here, but like Annie sang, 'The sun will come out tomorrow!'"

From: BeccaGo
To: Co-worker Mikey
"As for that 'nucular' (haha!) business, don't worry, be happy! None of us here are 'down with the sickness' of the radiation variety...yet. LOL!"

From: Co-worker Mikey
To: BeccaGo
"Yep, we're all one big, happy nuclear family around here now! Haha!"

I think today's exchange deserves a blog post.

From: BeccaGo
To: Co-worker Mikey
I was just thinking the same thing. Great minds yada yada...

From: Co-worker Mikey
To: BeccaGo
"Great minds make great bedfellows! Haha! J/K! LOL! LMAO! ROTFL, etc."

Dream On, Dreamer

You know when you have that dream that you're getting up and getting ready for work, and then you actually wake up and you get all pissed because you have to do it all over again?

Well, not only did I have that dream last night, in the dream it was also HALLOWEEN.

And then I woke up.

Talk about a disappointing way to start your day.

I almost wore the red feather Mardi Gras mask anyway.

Interoffice Gender Confusion

I am really not enjoying my job right now, but sometimes some little thing comes along that makes me smile...

E-mail received by a female co-worker and forwarded to me under the subject line "See? I didn't make it up!":

"Hi dear! I am for a decent man.
As for me, I am a young Russian girl
Do you like Russian women?
They are not just beautiful and smart, but very tolerant too.
Russian women value family and try to be with their husbands as much as possible.
It's time to get to know each other!
See you on marriage agency. Cheerio!
Please, visit this site!"
[Ed. note: site blocked from work computer]

...and the latest from Awesome Engineering Guy, to a male co-worker, forwarded to me under the subject line "Thought this might be blog-worthy"*:

"They moved my crew to the 23rd. If you were coming out of the lady’s room (quickly) on that floor, make a right, walk, then make a left at the next aisle. My ghetto cubicle is the last one on your left.

If anyone catches you coming out of the lady’s room, don’t tell them you were looking for me.

...awkward."

* He knows me so well. :D

Give 'Em Hell

Today I attended a departmental procedural meeting in which these two sentences, in regard to the same topic, were spoken within minutes of each other:

"EVERYTHING has to be EXACTLY the same."
"Ignore any inconsistencies."

And it was 83 degrees in the office.

I don't believe these incidents were unrelated or coincidental. It is my belief that they pointedly serve to prove that my job is, literally, Hell.

Return Of The Jedi Guy

Awesome Engineering Guy is at it again:

***
From: Co-worker Mikey
To: Awesome Engineering Guy
Subject: Manuscript

Galleys are ready for your review. Are you in today?

***
From: Awesome Engineering Guy
To: Co-worker Mikey
Subject: RE: Manuscript

Yes, I am in today.

***
From: Co-worker Mikey
To: Awesome Engineering Guy
Subject: RE: Manuscript

Okay. Where is your desk?

***
From: Awesome Engineering Guy
To: Co-worker Mikey
Subject: RE: Manuscript

Directions:
(1) Come down the stairs to the 20th floor.
(2) Make a right through the door (card key needed).
(3) Continue walking to the end of the hall.
(4) Make a right, then take about 3-4 steps.
(5) Mother ship will shoot retractor beam down to get you.
(6) You will appear before a council of Jedi knights.
(7) I am the 4th Jedi from the left.

***
Why don't I ever get to work with this guy??

Paper Beats Lightsaber

An e-mail exchange forwarded to me under the subject line "You're gonna love this...":

* * *
From: Awesome Engineering Guy
To: Co-worker Mikey
Subject: Final Page Proofs

My review is done. Thanks, Mike!

* * *
From: Co-worker Mikey
To: Awesome Engineering Guy
Subject: RE: Final Page Proofs

Okay, thanks. Can you send the manuscript back, please?

* * *
From: Awesome Engineering Guy
To: Co-worker Mikey
Subject: RE: Final Page Proofs

NOPE! I already made a bunch of origamis with it:
http://blog.makezine.com/archive/origami_jedi_20061202.jpg

* * *
I have a total work-crush on this guy. ♥

Talk Technical To Me!

Bringing you up to date on how awesome my job is:

"...must encompass the complete length of the shaft when applied by hand."

"A plug shall not enter the hole when applied by hand without using excessive force."

"The hole shall be checked from both ends, if possible."

"The body heat of the inspector shall be considered."

"It shall not be possible to erect the gage in the hole without using excessive force."

"...the straightness of long shafts that have small diameters."


"Erection And Tensioning"

"(a) Size Control For Holes
(b) Size Control For Shafts"

"(a) Shaft Shape
(b) Shaft Orientation"

"Increased friction heat affects the energy required for pumping."

"(a) slack carrier erection
(b) tower mast erection"

"Open throat hooks shall be equipped with latches to bridge the throat opening."

"Total Monthly Flow" [ewww...]

"Minimum Thickness Of Fishplates" [I'm not sure if this one's really dirty, but I have a rather active imagination...]

"...the relative skew between the two towers." [not dirty, but C'MON!! LORD OF THE RINGS!!!]

"...operating within the creep regime." [This one reminded me of my last relationship...]

"Minimum Shaft Diameter"

"Diameter Of The Small Socket Hole"

"Head Values"

"Oil Buffer Strokes"

"plunger gripper"

"Allowable Gross Loads"

"Hole Orientation"

"...lazy guy thrust track."

Three Best Things I've Overheard This Week

At work:
"All you do is walk around all day. You're like Master Of The Hallway."

On the 6 train:
"But you're not a tuna fish."

Girl on the street, smoking a cigarette:
"Crap, there's no cardio tonight?"

The Department Of Redundancy Department

There is a definition listed in the book I am proofreading right now for "Tolerant Tolerance."

Editor Cat is editing.

Fashionista

I love when I'm running late in the mornings. It forces me to be sartorially creative. For example, I'm wearing such a random assortment of garments today, I'm surprised my boss hasn't sent me home. Not for violating the dress code, but for disturbing the other employees.

Jersey Bore

Several months ago, there was an article in my company newsletter concerning the New Jersey Service Center. This article reported that the employees of the New Jersey Service Center had recently worn hats and jerseys representing their favorite baseball teams. A corresponding photograph of this newsworthy event was included.

Commentary ensued.

Meekey: "Also, did you read the blurb on the bottom of page 4? Why is donning baseball caps news? I think the New Jersey Service Center is starving for attention: 'Hey, don't forget about us! We work here too, y'know!'"
Me: "LOL! 'Today, the New Jersey office wore pants.'"
Meekey: "I can just picture the meeting:
'Okay guys, the next newsletter is only 2 weeks away. Let's brainstorm!'
'Well, we haven't really accomplished anything.'
'Right...'
'And we don't really do anything except ship books to the rest of the country.'
'Right...'
'I know! Baseball season is coming up! Let's wear hats and take a picture outside our building!'
'Brilliant! Who says New York has all the best ideas?'"
Me: "'We don't even have a baseball team in our state, but heck, let's do it!'"
Meekey: "I was thinking the same thing. In order to get any attention, they had to borrow something from us. They took the Giants; they took the Statue of Liberty. I remember one time a guy from the Jersey Center was in the newsletter because he wrote a poem! And the poem sucked, btw, even by my low standards."
Me: "A Haiku:
New Jersey is just
as cool as New York. Look at
us — we're wearing hats!"

Well, There Is A Recession Going On...

Conversation I just had with a co-worker on the way to the candy store:

Me: "Could I borrow a quarter?"
Cheap Bastard: "I don't have a quarter."
Me: "You have a 20 dollar bill."
Cheap Bastard: "But that's not a quarter."
Me: "But when you get change for your 20 dollar bill, you can lend me a quarter."
Cheap Bastard: "But I don't have to give you a quarter."
Me: "But it would be nice of you to let me borrow a quarter, to help out a friend."
Cheap Bastard: "But I don't owe it to you."
Me: "But you could still lend it to me."
Cheap Bastard: "Will you pay me back?"
Me: "IT'S A QUARTER."
Cheap Bastard: "A quarter of a DOLLAR is what it is."
Me: "Jesus Christ, forget it. Twizzlers are not worth this conversation."
Cheap Bastard: "Well, you know we don't make a lot of money..."

Well, that is a persuasive argument...

Back In MY Day...

I was just having a conversation with some co-workers about elementary school recess. And seriously — what was WRONG with us back then?

I mean, did you guys play that game where you ran UP the slide and tried to PUSH the kids at the top OFF? The one where you'd STAND precariously balanced on TOP of the monkey bars and then JUMP OFF into a measly pit of sand? Or the one where you'd pile 6 kids on one end of the see-saw and then JUMP OFF and let the kid on the other end SLAM INTO THE GROUND?

What the FUCK were we THINKING??

At my school, we had one gym teacher who was also a recess monitor and he would actually PICK KIDS UP by one arm and one leg, swing them around in a circle, and then just LET GO. Swear to God. And we would LINE UP for this! Two kids got broken collarbones before the school finally did something about it. Not just one kid, but TWO. Like, oh, one might have just been an accident — carry on!

Ah, the good old days...

Late-Cum-Er

Just found a new one:

"Typically Irregular Crotch Shapes"

Quickie!

A few more illustrations of the "intangible benefits" of my job:

"Personnel shall not ride the sling."

(a) Male Handle.
(b) Female Handle.

Section II: Guide To Selection Of Flow Measurement Methods

Putzmeister America

"The finish on nuts shall be the same type as that on the bolts they are mating with."

GENERAL NOTE: Always test with full tip insertion.

Observation

I'm so much more productive when I can wear my Converse in the office.