The Bitch Is Back.

So that last post wasn't a fluke; I've decided to restart the blog. For numerous reasons, but mainly because I'm an attention whore and it's cheaper than therapy. I'm going to try to post at least once a week, which is slightly less ambitious than my original goal of posting something ~EVERY SINGLE DAY!!~, so I might actually stick to it this time, but who knows — I'm unpredictable like that. It's what makes me fun!!

Anyway, I've experienced some pretty major life changes since last we spoke, so let the updating commence:

1. I don't live in Brooklyn anymore.

Surprising, I know, and it broke my heart to leave, but as a wise man once said, the rent is too damn high. I live in Washington Heights now, way up near the border of Inwood, or as some of us like to call it, Upstate Manhattan.

For real, y'all — my subway station is INSIDE A MOUNTAIN.

My place here costs almost $500 less a month than my old place in Park Slope. There's no exposed brick, but there's twice as much space and it's far more functional. I have a kitchen with cabinet doors on hinges that actually work, a freezer that defrosts itself, AND A DISHWASHER. It's in an elevator building with laundry in the basement, flowers bordering the front walkway, and an art deco entranceway. Did I mention the dishwasher? And I can paint the walls any crazy color I want, because oh yeah — I own this one.

Both of these spectacular items obtained courtesy of my awesome sister.

2. I no longer work for an engineering society.

Ironic, no, that now that I live in Manhattan I no longer work here? How I lost my job and gained this new one is a saga in itself, but suffice it to say I now work for an edtech company, in Brooklyn. And it is SO Brooklyn. Etsy headquarters are in the same office building, just a few floors down; West Elm is right across the street — the cobblestone street. We have a roof deck with ping pong tables and a killer view of the Manhattan Bridge:

There are beanbag chairs and exercise balls scattered amongst the cubicles and a designated quiet room filled with funky couches on which I frequently take naps during my lunch break. There's no dress code — I've worn jeans and sneakers every day since I've started; several of the guys in my department regularly roll in wearing flip-flops and shorts, like they're just stopping by on their way to the beach. There are free snacks and drinks. At my last job, "going downstairs for a snack" meant grabbing some Fritos from the vending machine. Here, it means visiting the "specialty mini-grocer" next door for some Garden Herb Triscuits and smoked salmon cream cheese. At my last job, my hours were 9:10 to 5:40 — not 9 to 5:30, but 9:10 to 5:40 — they were that specific and that strict about time. Here, my official hours are something like "anytime before 10 to sometime after 5, unless you're working from home, or whenever, really, as long as you let me know and the work gets done and it adds up to 40 hours at the end of the week." Did I mention the free snacks? As an added bonus, my boss is a fellow Star Wars nerd, and my debut assignment here consisted of copyediting a reading lesson for 4th-graders about Don Quixote at a puppet show with a monkey, so...so long porngineering.

I have very nice handwriting.

3. I got married.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Psych!!

How You Know You Live In Park Slope, 4-Play: Shameless Self Promotion

IT'S OFFICIAL!!! I've been Fucked In Park Slope! :D

How You Know You Live In Park Slope

Graffiti consists of "Be Kind" scrawled on fence and "GO VEGAN!" carved into sidewalk.

Top 5 Things I Love About Living Alone

#5: Decorating however the hell I want.
#4: Never closing the bathroom door.
#3.5: Drinking out of the carton.
#3: Eating whatever I want without worryng about "leaving enough for someone else."
#2: Never having to hold my stomach in.
#1: Walking around pantless.

For Real This Time

Park Slope studio.
October 1st.

Operation Escape From The Ghetto: SUCCESS!

Exposed brick, mothafuckas!!!

Two Birds With One Craigslist Posting

I'm looking at another apartment tonight.
That has 2 bedrooms.
With the cute broker guy I met last week.

I wonder if he's looking for a new place, too...

Yet Another Reason Why I Love My Mom, But Not In A Creepy Oedipal Way

This weekend I helped my brother and sister-in-law move into their new house. I have honestly never had so much fun helping somebody move (except for that time me and my brother were playing Superman with the wheelie-carts down the aisles of the Public Storage warehouse, but that was on a whole other level).

Their old apartment is only three blocks away from their new place, so we took turns transporting their belongings back and forth, rotating between my sister's Jeep, my brother's truck, and his father-in-law's pick-up. On one of these trips my sister spots a cute wooden chair a neighbor had left out on the curb. "Oh man, I should take that!" she says. "I could fix it up for my room. I have to remember it for later." At the apartment, my mom spots my brother's bicycle out on the patio. "I wonder if he wants this?" she asks. None of us know for sure, so my sister says she'll ask him when she drops off the latest haul. My mom stays behind to pack up some more kitchenware.

As we're unloading the Jeep, my brother pulls into the driveway laughing and asks, "Why did I just pass Mom riding a bicycle down the street? And where did she get that chair?"

A few minutes later, my sister-in-law and her sister come into the house laughing and ask, "Why was your mom sitting on a wooden chair on the front lawn and waving at us when we drove by?"

Several trips later, my mom, my sister and I are back at the apartment for the last remaining items and the Jeep is packed to capacity. "Is that it?" I ask. "Looks like it," my sister says. "The only thing left is the dog." "Oh, I don't want to leave him alone," says my mom. "You girls go to the house and I'll stay here with him until someone comes back for us."

So we get back to the house, unload our cargo, and are about to return to the apartment for the last time when my sister looks in the rearview mirror and bursts out laughing. "What?" I ask her, looking behind me. "What's so funny?"

And there, just turning the corner, is my mom, laughing maniacally, and being dragged down the block by the giant, galloping dog on his leash. "I couldn't stand it!" she calls out to us. "He looked so sad!"

I'm laughing so hard I can hardly stand up. Good thing that wooden chair was still there on the front lawn. :)

OMGOMGOMG!!!

I am TOTALLY moving on May 1st! *happy dance* Thank you, Universe!

Dear Universe: Please, Please, Please...

...let me get the apartment I looked at today. Seriously: directly across the street from a Bikram yoga studio and a Thai food restaurant, windows that look out on a garden with daffodils, a sklylight AND A FIREPLACE. No kidding. Plus, graffiti in the subway station: "HIPSTERS ARE GAY." It couldn't be more perfect; I must have it. By whatever means necessary. Thank you.

Sincerely,
BeccaGo