Two-Pronged

Returning a book to a co-worker with a small token of my appreciation/taking the opportunity to showcase my work:

Also: The book is utterly adorable, entirely accurate, and mirrored my own experience with roller derby—as an adult—a little too closely to merely call it "relatable." Highly recommended!

b.go lark (my work)
Roller Girl by Victoria Jamieson

Showcase

I make these. You should buy some. Do it here.

Launch Party!

Hey, all—I'm trying this new thing and I'd be super-appreciative if you'd check it out and spread the word...

Everyone likes surprises, and micro-gifts are cute and cheap! So stop by sometime and give it a try—it's fun and for a good cause (namely, my rainy-day fund). Thank you bunches!

FYI: I'm open to extras and package pricing being a little more lenient than what the website allows. If you're interested, feel free to send me a custom request—let me know what you'd like, and we'll work it out. #Cooperation!

My Fiverr Gig

An Open Letter To The Cranky Old Lady At My Blackjack Table This Weekend

Dear Bitch (may I call you "bitch"?),

I'm going to assume you know what you're doing, based on your advanced age, that sizable stack of chips sitting in front of you, and your audible exasperation at my decision to stand on 12, but just in case you forgot a few key points [see "advanced age" above], I thought I'd offer some helpful hints.

First off — just a quick reminder to start — we are at the $10 minimum table at Foxwoods, not the high roller room at the MGM Grand. Just putting that out there, in case you were confused.

Second, blackjack is a card game — the operative word here being "game," implying a sense of playfulness and fun. Your attitude and general demeanor imply neither of these things.

Also, it's called "gambling" for a reason: there is risk involved. Sitting at an open table means you risk people at that table occasionally making stupid impromptu moves like standing on 12, just like I am risking my health by exposing myself to your steady stream of secondhand smoke. That’s just how casinos work.

And finally, next time you feel the urge to loudly declare to a stranger, "You're gonna stand on 12? Jesus Christ, I have to leave now," maybe you could spare us the gin-soaked preamble and just, you know, leave. After all, like the song says, you gotta know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em, know when to walk away, and know when to shut the fuck up — you don't make the rules and I'll play any way I want.

Best of luck!
Becca

A Christmas Miracle

And now, some good news for the forthcoming holiday season...

GOP pledges to block all bills!

This part's my favorite:

"All 42 Senate Republicans signed a letter to Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid, D-Nevada, vowing to prevent a vote on 'any legislative item until the Senate has acted to fund the government and we have prevented the tax increase that is currently awaiting all American taxpayers.'"

How, exactly, do these imbeciles expect to FUND THE GOVERNMENT by CUTTING taxes? Where are these "funds" supposed to come from? Jesus??

Merry Christmas, assholes!!

Well, There Is A Recession Going On...

Conversation I just had with a co-worker on the way to the candy store:

Me: "Could I borrow a quarter?"
Cheap Bastard: "I don't have a quarter."
Me: "You have a 20 dollar bill."
Cheap Bastard: "But that's not a quarter."
Me: "But when you get change for your 20 dollar bill, you can lend me a quarter."
Cheap Bastard: "But I don't have to give you a quarter."
Me: "But it would be nice of you to let me borrow a quarter, to help out a friend."
Cheap Bastard: "But I don't owe it to you."
Me: "But you could still lend it to me."
Cheap Bastard: "Will you pay me back?"
Me: "IT'S A QUARTER."
Cheap Bastard: "A quarter of a DOLLAR is what it is."
Me: "Jesus Christ, forget it. Twizzlers are not worth this conversation."
Cheap Bastard: "Well, you know we don't make a lot of money..."

Well, that is a persuasive argument...

Stimulate This!

Courtesy of Dalia B. and some intrepid soul on the Interwebz:

Sometime this year, we taxpayers will again receive an "Economic Stimulus" payment. This is a very exciting program and I'll explain why using a Q & A format:

Q: What is an "Economic Stimulus" payment?
A: It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.

Q: Where will the government get this money?
A: From taxpayers.

Q: So the government is giving me back my own money?
A: Only a smidgen of it.

Q: What is the purpose of this payment?
A: To use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.

Q: But isn't that stimulating the economy of China?
A: Shut up.

Below is some helpful advice on how to spend your stimulus check wisely and best help the U.S. economy:

* If you spend the stimulus money at Wal-Mart, it will go to China or Sri Lanka.
* If you spend it on gasoline, it will go to the Arabs.
* If you spend it on a computer, it will go to India, Taiwan, or China.
* If you spend it on fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico, Honduras, and Guatemala.
* If you spend it on an efficient car, it will go to Japan or Korea.
* If you spend it on useless shit, it will go to Taiwan.
* If you use it to pay off your credit cards or buy stock, it will go to management bonuses and they will hide it offshore.

Instead, keep the money in America by:

1) Spending it at yard sales
2) Going to ball games
3) Hiring prostitutes
4) Buying beer
5) Getting tattoos

...as these are the only American businesses still operating in the U.S.

CONCLUSION:
Go to a ball game with a tattooed prostitute that you met at a yard sale and drink beer all day!

No need to thank me, I'm just glad I could be of help....

I'll Take "What The Hell Have You Been Smoking?" For $800, Alex!

Cleaning pig
Helper monkey
Party gorilla
Attack squirrel*
* All things I have actually heard of before.

"What are pets that would be FREAKIN' AWESOME!!!?"

The Customer Is Always Right

About a week ago, I bought a movie from Border's. Idiot that I am, I didn't realize until I got home and opened the case and tried to play said movie that it was a Blu-Ray disc and not a regular DVD. My DVD player does not play Blu-Ray discs. So today I tried to return it.

Me: "Hi, I'd like to return this movie. I have the receipt."
Cashier: "The box is open."
Me: "I know, I didn't realize it wouldn't work in my DVD player until I tried to play it."
Cashier: "We can't give you a refund if the box is open."
Me: "Well, what about store credit?"
Cashier: "Umm...let me ask my manager."
[Cashier confers with manager. Manager approaches.]
Manager: "I'm sorry ma'am. We can't give you a refund if the box has been opened."
Me: "Not even store credit?"
Manager: "Not unless the disc is damaged. Is it damaged?"
Me: "No."
Manager: "We can only give you a refund if it's damaged."
Me: "Well, what if I damage it myself right now. Then can I return it?"
Manager: "Umm...I'm sorry. That's not our policy."

So I think I'm just going to "damage" the disc tonight and try another Border's tomorrow...