Lessons Learned From Last Night's Episode Of Survivor: Nicaracgua

1. New York is full of gay people.
2. Louisiana is full of douchebags.

Fumble In The Jungle

Regarding last night's premiere of Survivor: Nicaragua: I hope the "kiddie team" falls flat on its face and self-destructs spectacularly.

Age before beauty, motherfuckers.

Hassling Hasselbeck

According to The Daily News, Elisabeth Hasselbeck believes that "a lot of older lesbians would have turned out straight...if they could only land a man."

Well, I believe that a lot of former Survivor contestants wouldn't have become hosts of 'The View'...if they could only land a Playboy pictorial.

I also believe that stupid opinions like this wouldn't even be aired or considered...if only dim-witted, ignorant bimbos weren't hosts of a fatuous, asinine talk show.

Supernatural

Last night I predicted the winner of Survivor AND the Miss USA pageant. And tonight I see the psychic that told my mom I was gay. This oughtta be good...

Things I Wish Could Really Happen

Every time I put on the Avatar 3-D glasses, I turn into one.

Chocolate donuts cure cancer.

I actually get paid to screw around on Twitter all day.

Punching obnoxious douchebags on the subway not only legal but encouraged as a behavioral deterrent.

All Twilight and Justin Beiber fans placed in internment camps for "re-programming."

My cat does the dishes and cleans the bathroom for me while I'm at work.

Republicans develop the capability to act rationally.

Tattoos are eligible for government subsidies and feel like the brush of butterfly wings against your skin.

A kind stranger leaves me a charming and spacious Park Slope apartment in their will.

Doing karaoke helps me lose 20 pounds.

Sucide Girls provides scholarships to the Pratt School of Fashion Design.

Survivor critiques considered high literary art.

Giant adult-sized castle bounces installed in all public parks.

"Business casual" = Halloween costumes every single day + unlimited wardrobe stipend.

Flying cars.

World peace.

Her Last Name Is "Shallow" For A Reason...

What Parvati sounded like on last night's episode of Survivor:

"I wanted to win and Rob totally won! Ha ha ha! Can you believe it? That someone won and someone else didn't? I was like, what just happened? And then Russell made this speech that I didn't understand and he gave me the Immunity Idol and I was like, ok, I guess I'll use it! Ha ha ha! Because that's what you're supposed to do with it, right? I mean, I don't understand strategy, I just thought he was giving me a present because I'm pretty. And this next part — get ready for this — Jeff read a bunch of names off some little pieces of paper! It was so crazy! I was like, what just happened? And then this tall skinny guy whose name I don't know because he's, like, the only guy who doesn't flirt with me at camp (I know, right?!?) had to leave and Jeff used his magic wand to turn the fire invisible and then there were hot dogs. Ha ha ha! I have a lisp."

Why I Am Excited To An Unhealthy Level About Survivor 20: Heroes vs. Villains

First challenge, only about 20 minutes in: one dislocated (and relocated) shoulder [Stephenie is one tough chick], one broken toe, and one topless chick flipping everyone the bird.

That helicopter entrance was intense. And the Villains have the much cooler theme music.

Probst: "How does it feel to be labeled a villain?"
Boston Rob: "Wait — I'm a villain?"

TYSON IS BACK!

No way should Candice be a Hero. I will never forgive her for jumping ship back to the White People team on her season. And I have no idea who Danielle is. Anyone...?

Tom: The Chicken Stalker. (I'm pretty sure those are Shambo's escaped chickens from last season.)

Love Connection: Coach and Jerri are the new Rob and Amber — the disturbing version.

Sandra: "I'll bet you a dollar he falls in the water." LOL!

Cirie vs. Amanda: The Revenge — this time, it's personal.

Heroes LOSE the first immunity challenge!

GO VILLAINS! Get your evil on. >:)

Here + Queer = Used To It

Theorem: All the hot guys are gay.

Let A = 'hot' and B = 'gay.'

Given: If A then B. [1]

[Note: ~ = 'not;' :: = 'therefore']

Problem: Using Survivor, Project Runway, and American Idol as examples, prove that while the contrapositive of the above statement, ~B = ~A (i.e., all the straight guys are busted) [2], is true, the converse statement, B = A (i.e., all gay guys are hot) [3], is false. Show your work.

Example 1: American Idol
1. Adam Lambert = A (hot) + B (gay) :: TRUE
2. Taylor Hicks = ~B (not gay) + ~A (not hot) :: TRUE
3. Clay Aiken = B (gay) + ~A (not hot) :: FALSE

Example 2: Project Runway
1. Daniel Vosovic = A + B :: TRUE
2. Jeffrey Sebelia = ~B + ~A :: TRUE
3. Chris March = B + ~A :: FALSE

Example 3: Survivor
1. Todd Herzog (China) = A + B :: TRUE
2. Rupert Boneham (Pearl Islands) = ~B + ~A :: TRUE
3. Richard Hatch (Borneo) = B + ~A :: FALSE

Bonus Example: The 'Liberals vs. Conservatives' Factor
1. Anderson Cooper = A + B :: TRUE
2. Rush Limbaugh = ~B + ~A :: TRUE
3. Ann Coulter = ~A + X (tranny) :: FALSE