Two-Pronged

Returning a book to a co-worker with a small token of my appreciation/taking the opportunity to showcase my work:

Also: The book is utterly adorable, entirely accurate, and mirrored my own experience with roller derby—as an adult—a little too closely to merely call it "relatable." Highly recommended!

b.go lark (my work)
Roller Girl by Victoria Jamieson

Stay Positive. Love Your Life.

I love pools. Like, LOVE pools. Like, I stayed with this one ex-boyfriend for a month after finding out he cheated on me just because it was still summer and he had a pool. Like, one time I was at a party at a co-worker's friend's house and I hadn't even been drinking or there for more than about 10 minutes before I borrowed a t-shirt and a pair of gym shorts from this girl I didn't even know just so I could go in her pool. Like, looking back, the single biggest regret of my childhood is not my deeply problematic relationship with my father, but the fact that we never owned a pool. I can't even swim and still have to wear earplugs and hold my nose when I go underwater, but I love pools all the same.

So this weekend I went to a public pool. Which, after reading that first paragraph, probably seems like kind of an anticlimactic way to start a story. But trust me, it was an achievement, because this is the first time in almost a decade I have been out in public in a bathing suit. Literally — almost a decade. I honestly couldn't remember how long it had been, so I sat down and did the math and it blew my mind: The last time anyone besides an immediate family member had seen me in a bathing suit was at a pool party at my roller derby team captain's house in 2007 (I remember because it was the summer we skated at Warped Tour). And again, after reading that first paragraph, that probably seems inconceivable, so let me explain.

For the vast majority of my life, I've been skinny. Not "slim" or "fit," but skinny. And not just skinny, but known for being skinny. Like, if someone in high school or college was describing me to a friend who'd just met me the weekend before, they'd invariably say, "You remember Becky — the tall, skinny one?" And I never even had to work for it. I was just naturally skinny. And I never fully appreciated it.

I'm the gangly, toothpick-legged one with the longer hair.

Now I'm on meds and officially a full year into my forties and yes, I could probably (definitely) eat better and exercise more, and I'm not so skinny. It's not even that I've gained weight, it's that all the weight I've gained seems to be centered right in the middle. I'm not so much fat as weird-shaped. Disproportionate. I have like, a converse hourglass figure — not-so-big boobs, a big belly, no hips to speak of. Which makes finding clothes that fit properly difficult: plus-size clothing assumes all parts of your body are equally plus-size, so a dress or clingy top that fits my midsection will usually be too roomy in the bust. "Skinny" jeans that fit my waist turn wide-leg at my thighs. And swimsuits are their very own epic misadventure. After a lifetime of effortless skinniness, of the biggest challenge I ever faced while shopping for clothes being "Cash or credit?", I now found this morbidly embarrassing. I mean, I used to wear bikinis, for crying out loud — how could I let people see me like this?? I decided I could not let people see me like this. I didn’t even own a bathing suit for years.

Then it occurred to me recently, probably while I was sweating my ass off on a tropically humid subway platform and frantically fanning myself with a fold-up map of Brooklyn I had dug out of my purse in desperation, that the only person this self-imposed exile was affecting in any way was me. Seriously? Outspoken feminist and contrarian who loves being in a pool almost more than life itself is going to spend another sweltering summer in the city avoiding FREE PUBLIC POOLS because she no longer looks hot in a bikini? Who even am I??

So I did it. I bought a bathing suit. I went to a public pool. I spent 2 hours floating in the shadow of the High Bridge Water Tower, surrounded by strangers. And it was glorious.

***

"What does body positivity mean to you?"

"So, look. The relationship we each have with our bodies is one of the most important and challenging relationships we'll ever have to cultivate, seeing as we're stuck with the one body our whole lives — and if dealing with the basic messiness inherent in owning a human body isn't enough to be getting on with, we also live in a culture that seems determined to poison that relationship from the get-go. We're slammed with body-shaming messages from the moment we're old enough to interact with society at all."

"The thing that happens when you teach people to be ashamed of their bodies is that you instill in them a deep belief that they're never enough, and the feeling of not being enough is a desperate feeling. Some people respond to it exactly the way capitalism wants them to — they pour money into products, clothes, food, and gym memberships that they think will help them measure up. Some people respond to it by hiding from life in an effort to avoid what feels like inevitable scrutiny from a world that tries to tell them they aren't good enough to exist. I have played both of those games, and let me tell you something: there's no way to win either one of them. You're setting yourself up to fail in both cases, because in both cases you are allowing someone else's rules to determine your worth. And NO ONE else has the power to do that — you're a human being, and as a human being, you're inherently worthy. That's just how that works."

"One of the things that kills me about body shame is that it can paralyze. Body shame is how we end up unable to enjoy our food. It’s how we end up afraid to show up at the gym lest some imaginary meathead gives us the stank-face for not looking perfect in our workout clothes. Body shame is how we stop ourselves from buying certain kinds of clothes because we 'can't get away with it.' It's how we end up having sex with the lights off and hiding our perceived 'body flaws' with strategically draped sheets. It's how we miss out on fun social opportunities because we don't feel attractive enough to be seen in public. It, in essence, kills our ability to enjoy some of the best things in life." — Megan Ribar

I'm extra glad now that I got that ice cream cone on the way home.

***

Inspired by Smart Glamour.
And my niece: May you always be this happy in your skin. ♥

The Faithful

Long Island was hit yesterday with MONSOONAGEDDON 2010!!!, during which power was lost, trees were uprooted, basements were flooded and substantial property damage was sustained (fence posts and aluminum siding in particular prove to make excellent projectiles). And yet, just proving my point that roller derby fans are some of the craziest people on Earth, the Long Island Roller Rebels' season opener against the Jersey Shore Roller Girls was still sold out. You go, grrrls!

Go Go Roller Girl!

I forgot to mention in the last post the tradition of extending derby names to friends and family members. Among many others, we had:

* Roxie Heartless and her fiance, Greg Heartless
* Summer Slam and her sister, Sister Slam (Sister Slam is now also my sister-in-law — I knew my brother only got involved to meet girls...)
* Raven Madd and her husband, Mr. Madd
* Jager Bombshell and her toddler-aged son, Skater Tot
* Amaretto Sourpuss and her boyfriend, Rusty Gunns
* Peta Sassin and my mom, Mama Sassin
* Holly Cide and her (ex-)boyfriend, Pee Wee Hurt' Em

and...

* Trixie Timebomb and her fans, The Bomb Squad

Also, some of my favorite derby slogans:

"Give Blood — Play Roller Derby"
"Skate Fast. Turn Left."
"Roller Derby: It's Like A Sorority Without The Date Rape."

...and, as mentioned previously:

"Roll Out With Your Hole Out!"

What's In A Name?

A comment from a web friend (that sounds much less creepy than "follower," no?) on yesterday's post made mention of roller derby, specifically derby names, and now I'm all nostalgaic.

For those of you who don't know, I used to be a roller girl. For about 2 years I played for the Long Island Roller Rebels, Long Island's only all-female flat-track roller derby league. I skated in two full bouts and one exhibition at Warped Tour. Admittedly, I wasn't very good — my signature move was falling down; if I was lucky I took an opposing player down with me — which is why I only lasted 2 years. These girls are FIERCE. This is a real sport, requiring training, strategy, and physical skill. If you're only in it for the culture, you'll get schooled pretty fast.

Which I did.

Still, I got to work the door at bouts, sell merch, and do publicity, which was awesome enough. I learned a helluva lot, my teammates more than earned my respect, and I still love this crazy pastime with all my heart.

One of my favorite things about it was the names. I'm a word person, after all. Some of my favorites included:

* Carnage Electra
* Butterscotch Cripple
* Iris Carbomb
* Roxie Heartless
* SnuffAnothaBitch
* Regine Bull
* Mary Jane Rottencrotch
* Alison Chains
* Lauren Disorder
* Domestic Violet
* Amaretto Sourpuss

...and my personal favorite:

* Helluva Bottom Carter

I was Peta Sassin (pronounced "Paid-a" — get it??), number AK-47. Some of my other choices had been Thea Pocalypse, Scarlett O'Horror, and Kitty Porn. I really wanted Sybil Disobedience, but it had already been claimed by a girl in Arizona. My sister, Courtney, is Courter Pound-Her. My brother, whose career as a ref was even briefer than mine, was Guy N'Cologist. New players come up with even more outstanding ones everyday. It's infinitely amusing to me.

So when Diablo Cody started trending "#celebritybabyrollerderbynames" on Twitter a while back, I was all over it.

And here, for your entertainment, the fruits of my labor:

* Violent Affleck (Jennifer Garner and Ben Affleck)
* Surly Cruise (Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise)
* Zoom-a Rossdale (Gwen Stefani and Gavin Rossdale)
* Grapple Martin (Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin)
* Rocco-'Em Sock-'Em Ritchie (Madonna and Guy Ritchie)
* Lourdes-Have-Mercy Leon (Madonna and Carlos Leon)
* Fighter-Pilot Inspektor Lee (Beth Riesgraf and Jason Lee)
* Rough Ryder Robinson (Kate Hudson and Chris Robinson)
* Rumble-In-The-Bronx Wentz (Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz)
* Nail-Her Aubry (Halle Berry and Gabriel Aubry)
* Bank-It Jackson (Michael Jackson and ...?)
* Indio-Face Downey (Deborah Falconer and Robert Downey, Jr.)
* Honor Killing Warren (Jessica Alba and Cash Warren)
* Cruz-in' For A Bruisin' Beckham (Victoria and David Beckham)
* HardBlow Madden (Nicole Richie and Joel Madden)
* Deck-'Em Phillippe (Reese Witherspoon and Ryan Phillippe)
* Kyd Vicious Duchovny (Tea Leoni and David Duchovny)
* StunRay Urban (Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban)
* Max Iron-Fist Bratman (Christina Aguilera and Jordan Bratman)
* Coco-Loco Arquette (Courteney Cox and David Arquette)
* Harper's Bizarre Grohl (Jordyn and Dave Grohl)
* Alabama Slamma Barker (Shanna Moakler and Travis Barker)
* Moxie Crimefighter Jilette [no change necessary] (Emily Zolten and Penn Jillette)

The Deadly Duo:
* Purple Hazel and Phinneaus Him! Moder (Julia Roberts and Danny Moder)

Triple Threat:
* Tallulah Hell, Scout LaRue-The-Day and Doom-Her Glenn Willis (Demi Moore and Bruce Willis)

The Sin City Squad:
* Rocket, Racer, Rebel and Rogue Rodriguez [again, no changes necessary] (Elizabeth Avellan and Robert Rodriguez)

And finally, fielding their own entire team...

The Holy Shit!/Jolie-Pitts:
* Mad Maddox
* Zahara Show
* Shiloh-Can-U-Go
* Pax-A-Punch
...and the Twins of Terror:
* Vivisection and Knox-'Em-Out

Roll out with your hole out, bitches... >:)

Lame Claims To Fame: Volume I

I went to high school with former Olympian and MLB relief pitcher Billy Koch.

He was a year younger and way more popular than I was, so I didn't technically "know" him, but he was once, for whatever reason, at a local roller rink with his friends the same night as me and my friends (most likely, to make fun of the people like us who, as high school seniors, voluntarily spent our Friday nights at places like the roller rink instead of, say, drinking in a parking lot), and during "couples skate," one of the roller-cops/amateur matchmakers forcibly paired him with me and demanded we skate together, I think mainly because he was the only guy there who was taller than I was. That was our first and only personal interaction.

Unrelatedly, before attaining his actual "famous person" status, Mr. Koch had already been firmly cemented in West Babylon High School legend as the guy who got his ass kicked outside the cafeteria by Phil Iacono.

Things You Wouldn't Necessarily Guess By Looking At Me

1. I play poker.

[Yes, I realize the hand pictured is only a pair of Aces and not a royal flush. It was pre-game — I didn't set up the props.]

2. I used to be a roller girl.

Peta Sassin, #AK-47, Long Island Roller Rebels

3. I wanted to be a WWE Diva.

...

*Ok, I swear to God I own an autographed Polaroid picture of me and Lita, and I just tore up my place looking for it, but it is nowhere to be found. I'm scouring the attic for it next time I visit home. I will produce this priceless piece of photographic evidence if it is the last thing I ever do, damn it! I dare you to doubt my integrity!