@ThisGuyIDon'tReallyEvenKnow: "Who doesn't love Meryl Streep?"
@BeccaGo: "The angry Viola Davis fans."
@Guy: "Racists."
@BeccaGo: "I didn't know you were Republican now."
@Guy: "I'm not. I just hate freedom."
C'mon, tell me that's not funnier than a single thing Billy Crystal said.
Showing posts with label Self-indulgence. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Self-indulgence. Show all posts
Monday, February 27, 2012
Wednesday, November 23, 2011
Where It's At
My great-grandfather was from Armenia. The only thing most people know about Armenia is the Kardashians. The only remotely positive thing about this is that it's a perfect example of how all Armenian surnames end in some form of "-ian." For further proof, please see the guys from System of a Down. (If you know my last name, the answer is it was shortened when my grandparents emigrated to this country.)
People ask me all the time, "Where is Armenia, anyway?" My standard answer to this query is "near Turkey." The irony of this, if one can call it that, is that between 1915 and 1923, the Turks slaughtered approximately 1.5 million Armenians in what is known as "The Great Crime." It's possibly the second worst genocide in history, behind the Holocaust. The word "genocide" was even coined to describe this particular massacre. I'm sure the Armenians don't exactly appreciate this association.
A better answer, I've found, to the question of Armenia's location is "ancient Troy." Which technically, of course, makes me a Trojan.
I prefer this explanation.
People ask me all the time, "Where is Armenia, anyway?" My standard answer to this query is "near Turkey." The irony of this, if one can call it that, is that between 1915 and 1923, the Turks slaughtered approximately 1.5 million Armenians in what is known as "The Great Crime." It's possibly the second worst genocide in history, behind the Holocaust. The word "genocide" was even coined to describe this particular massacre. I'm sure the Armenians don't exactly appreciate this association.
A better answer, I've found, to the question of Armenia's location is "ancient Troy." Which technically, of course, makes me a Trojan.
I prefer this explanation.
Monday, May 23, 2011
Baby Fat
I'm a pretty self-conscious person. (*cough*Asperger's*cough*)
In addition, any weight I gain goes straight to my belly, which sometimes makes me worry that I look pregnant. I try to camouflage it, but I still occasionally get offered a seat on the subway, particularly when I wear a certain top of mine that "has an empire-waist and floats away from the body" (Stacey from What Not To Wear LIES!!). It doesn't bother me too much — I'll do almost anything to get a seat on the subway, and I haven't reached the stage where anybody's asked me when I'm due yet — so I just kind of tolerate it.
However, as I was standing on the subway platform the other day, I noticed a man near me who looked way more pregnant than I do. Like, gut-hanging-over-the-waist-of-his-cargo-shorts "pregnant." Shoulders back, hands on his hips, almost like he was proud of it. It was not cute. And it did not inspire in me one of those "Right on, man! This is who I am whether you like it or not!" moments. I just kind of curled my lip in disgust.
Maybe this speaks to some deep-seated self-hatred of mine, but I think it's really just an aesthetic issue. And a splash of good old feminist rage. I mean, I make an effort to dress to flatter my non-standard body. Why does this guy just get to stand there showing off his expansive midsection with impunity? And why do I have to look at it? Why is it that women, who have a built-in alibi — pregnancy — for carrying extra tummy weight, are terrified and ashamed and insulted that someone might possibly assume they are "expecting," while guys don't even have such an excuse and don't seem to give a shit? Why am I — unwavering in my confidence that I have pretty eyes and cool hair, great legs, a really great ass, and a not-that-bad rack — fixated on disguising this one "imperfect" body part when I go out in public, while this guy is balding and wearing Tevas and doesn't seem to care? And why is he in my field of view?? I MUST ONLY LOOK AT PRETTY THINGS!!
After all, I may be fat, but you're ugly and I could lose weight.
In addition, any weight I gain goes straight to my belly, which sometimes makes me worry that I look pregnant. I try to camouflage it, but I still occasionally get offered a seat on the subway, particularly when I wear a certain top of mine that "has an empire-waist and floats away from the body" (Stacey from What Not To Wear LIES!!). It doesn't bother me too much — I'll do almost anything to get a seat on the subway, and I haven't reached the stage where anybody's asked me when I'm due yet — so I just kind of tolerate it.
However, as I was standing on the subway platform the other day, I noticed a man near me who looked way more pregnant than I do. Like, gut-hanging-over-the-waist-of-his-cargo-shorts "pregnant." Shoulders back, hands on his hips, almost like he was proud of it. It was not cute. And it did not inspire in me one of those "Right on, man! This is who I am whether you like it or not!" moments. I just kind of curled my lip in disgust.
Maybe this speaks to some deep-seated self-hatred of mine, but I think it's really just an aesthetic issue. And a splash of good old feminist rage. I mean, I make an effort to dress to flatter my non-standard body. Why does this guy just get to stand there showing off his expansive midsection with impunity? And why do I have to look at it? Why is it that women, who have a built-in alibi — pregnancy — for carrying extra tummy weight, are terrified and ashamed and insulted that someone might possibly assume they are "expecting," while guys don't even have such an excuse and don't seem to give a shit? Why am I — unwavering in my confidence that I have pretty eyes and cool hair, great legs, a really great ass, and a not-that-bad rack — fixated on disguising this one "imperfect" body part when I go out in public, while this guy is balding and wearing Tevas and doesn't seem to care? And why is he in my field of view?? I MUST ONLY LOOK AT PRETTY THINGS!!
After all, I may be fat, but you're ugly and I could lose weight.
Thursday, April 28, 2011
Dream On, Dreamer
You know when you have that dream that you're getting up and getting ready for work, and then you actually wake up and you get all pissed because you have to do it all over again?
Well, not only did I have that dream last night, in the dream it was also HALLOWEEN.
And then I woke up.
Talk about a disappointing way to start your day.
I almost wore the red feather Mardi Gras mask anyway.
Well, not only did I have that dream last night, in the dream it was also HALLOWEEN.
And then I woke up.
Talk about a disappointing way to start your day.
I almost wore the red feather Mardi Gras mask anyway.
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
From The Mind(less Drivel) Of M. Night Shyamalan
So, yeah, I rented that M. Night Shyamalan atrocity Devil last night — don’t ask why — and I just wanted to share some of my utter disbelief at how bad it actually was...
Basic Premise: 5 people are trapped in an elevator; one of them is the devil. (They are all shameless clichés.)
Within the first 15 minutes, I had already figured it out.
***SPOILERS!***
1. Obvious choice would be the mysterious quiet guy, so it's obviously not him (unless they were counting on us to think that and were pulling a double twist, which I don't believe they were clever enough to come up with).
2. They all hate the annoying salesman, so they all automatically blame him, which automatically makes it not him. (Sure enough, he is the first one to die.)
3. The angry black security guard is both a symbol of authority and new on the job, which makes him suspicious, so it could be him, only that would be racist, so it's not him (unless, again, they were trying to be clever and controversial, which I don’t give them credit for).
4. The pretty rich girl gets mysteriously hurt early on, so it couldn't be her, which means it is her, unless...
5. ...they go the very obvious "least obvious" route, which means it's the scared, harmless old lady.
Who it was.
Moviemaking at its effing finest.
Basic Premise: 5 people are trapped in an elevator; one of them is the devil. (They are all shameless clichés.)
Within the first 15 minutes, I had already figured it out.
***SPOILERS!***
1. Obvious choice would be the mysterious quiet guy, so it's obviously not him (unless they were counting on us to think that and were pulling a double twist, which I don't believe they were clever enough to come up with).
2. They all hate the annoying salesman, so they all automatically blame him, which automatically makes it not him. (Sure enough, he is the first one to die.)
3. The angry black security guard is both a symbol of authority and new on the job, which makes him suspicious, so it could be him, only that would be racist, so it's not him (unless, again, they were trying to be clever and controversial, which I don’t give them credit for).
4. The pretty rich girl gets mysteriously hurt early on, so it couldn't be her, which means it is her, unless...
5. ...they go the very obvious "least obvious" route, which means it's the scared, harmless old lady.
Who it was.
Moviemaking at its effing finest.
Sunday, February 6, 2011
Still Smells Like Teen Spirit
Ripped stockings: Mine.
Striped knee socks: Also mine.
Doc Marten boots: Borrowed from my sister.
Baby-doll prom dress: Mine.
Baby-doll tank top: Mine.
Studded belt/choker: Mine.
Little girl hair barrettes: 18 for $3 at the drugstore.
Hair prep: None — just washed and let it frizz out naturally.
Makeup: Black eyeliner. That's it.
Reliving my youth for less than five bucks and a ticket to My So-Called Prom at the Bell House: Priceless.
Striped knee socks: Also mine.
Doc Marten boots: Borrowed from my sister.
Baby-doll prom dress: Mine.
Baby-doll tank top: Mine.
Studded belt/choker: Mine.
Little girl hair barrettes: 18 for $3 at the drugstore.
Hair prep: None — just washed and let it frizz out naturally.
Makeup: Black eyeliner. That's it.
Reliving my youth for less than five bucks and a ticket to My So-Called Prom at the Bell House: Priceless.
GRUNGE LIVES!! RIOT GRRRL 4 EVA!!
Friday, January 14, 2011
Thursday, December 30, 2010
The Party's Over...
My 2011 New Years Resolutions:
1. Spend more time at the toy store.
2. Marry Neil Lambert (subject to availability).
3. World Wide Web domination.
Stay safe, y'all!
See ya next year!!
1. Spend more time at the toy store.
2. Marry Neil Lambert (subject to availability).
3. World Wide Web domination.
Stay safe, y'all!
See ya next year!!
Thursday, December 23, 2010
How You Know You Live In Park Slope 5: And Counting!
I like to play a little game every morning on my walk to the subway called: "Strollers Or Dogs: Which Will I See More Of?"
Today, Dogs beat Strollers by a respectable margin of 6 - 3.
However, the dark horse victory — coming in with an impressive final tally of 13 — goes to Bicycles.
Congratulations, Team Environmentally-Friendly-Alternate-Means-Of-Transportation!
Today, Dogs beat Strollers by a respectable margin of 6 - 3.
However, the dark horse victory — coming in with an impressive final tally of 13 — goes to Bicycles.
Congratulations, Team Environmentally-Friendly-Alternate-Means-Of-Transportation!
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
How You Know You Live In Park Slope, 4-Play: Shameless Self Promotion
IT'S OFFICIAL!!! I've been Fucked In Park Slope! :D
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
How You Know You Live In Park Slope, Part 3: This Time It's Personal
Sorry I'm late — I missed the G train because I stopped to pet some whippets wearing knit sweaters that were leashed to a bike rack outside the coffee shop.
Saturday, December 18, 2010
Top 5 Things I Love About Living Alone
#5: Decorating however the hell I want.
#4: Never closing the bathroom door.
#3.5: Drinking out of the carton.
#3: Eating whatever I want without worryng about "leaving enough for someone else."
#2: Never having to hold my stomach in.
#1: Walking around pantless.
#4: Never closing the bathroom door.
#3.5: Drinking out of the carton.
#3: Eating whatever I want without worryng about "leaving enough for someone else."
#2: Never having to hold my stomach in.
#1: Walking around pantless.
Monday, November 29, 2010
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
Boo.
Devastatingly, due to lack of funds and insufficient prep time, I had to forgo an elaborate Halloween costume this year. Now if you know anything about me at all, you realize just how devastating a tragedy this is to have befallen me. However, like a phoenix in a wig and fake blood, I shall rise from the ashes of this finery failure and emerge next holiday in victory and even greater splendor! You know, since I have a whole extra year to work on the thing now. LITTLE DEAD RIDING HOOD LIVES!
So anyway...since I had no other plans, I decided to go to the parade in the Village. And even though I would only be watching, I couldn't betray the spirit of my favorite day of the year by just wearing everyday clothes. I had to do something...
Everyone who knows anything about me at all: "So are you getting dressed up?"
Me: "Not really."
"Not really" = sequined top hat with feathers, old prom dress, Mardi Gras beads, striped stockings, leopard print heels; elaborate face paint.
Elderly gentleman on the street: "That's a very striking costume!"
Me: "Oh, this is just what I wear every Sunday..."
The beginning of the parade was AMAZING, but it slowly tapered off into random people simply walking by wearing costumes. Since I consider myself something of an expert on all things Halloween, and because I'm just a judgemental bitch...
Presenting:
THE BeccaGo HALLOWEEN 2010 "I WISH I HAD THOUGHT OF THAT" AWARDS!
Best Group Costume: Zombie Golden Girls
Best Family Costume: Darth Vader (dad), Princess Leia (mom), and Yoda (baby)
Best Couples Costume: Where's Waldo? and Carmen Sandiego
Best Individual Costume: Up (guy in an aviator cap holding a bunch of balloons with a dollhouse tied to the strings)
And, just to prove that the "sexy" costume craze has gone FAR too far:
Top Honors go to...
SEXY BEDBUG!
Trick or treat, bitches! :D
So anyway...since I had no other plans, I decided to go to the parade in the Village. And even though I would only be watching, I couldn't betray the spirit of my favorite day of the year by just wearing everyday clothes. I had to do something...
Everyone who knows anything about me at all: "So are you getting dressed up?"
Me: "Not really."
"Not really" = sequined top hat with feathers, old prom dress, Mardi Gras beads, striped stockings, leopard print heels; elaborate face paint.
Elderly gentleman on the street: "That's a very striking costume!"
Me: "Oh, this is just what I wear every Sunday..."
The beginning of the parade was AMAZING, but it slowly tapered off into random people simply walking by wearing costumes. Since I consider myself something of an expert on all things Halloween, and because I'm just a judgemental bitch...
Presenting:
THE BeccaGo HALLOWEEN 2010 "I WISH I HAD THOUGHT OF THAT" AWARDS!
Best Group Costume: Zombie Golden Girls
Best Family Costume: Darth Vader (dad), Princess Leia (mom), and Yoda (baby)
Best Couples Costume: Where's Waldo? and Carmen Sandiego
Best Individual Costume: Up (guy in an aviator cap holding a bunch of balloons with a dollhouse tied to the strings)
And, just to prove that the "sexy" costume craze has gone FAR too far:
Top Honors go to...
SEXY BEDBUG!
Trick or treat, bitches! :D
Saturday, September 18, 2010
And He's Cute, Too!
Selections from the Spring/Summer 2011 collection of my favorite Project Runway alum Daniel Vosovic that I must incorporate into to my wardrobe immediately:
Seriously, I am so covetous of that last jacket it's almost sinful.
Seriously, I am so covetous of that last jacket it's almost sinful.
Sunday, September 5, 2010
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
Monday, August 30, 2010
For Real This Time
Park Slope studio.
October 1st.
Operation Escape From The Ghetto: SUCCESS!
Exposed brick, mothafuckas!!!
October 1st.
Operation Escape From The Ghetto: SUCCESS!
Exposed brick, mothafuckas!!!
Friday, August 27, 2010
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
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