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I just want you all to know that the reason I haven't posted anything this week is that I started a serious post the other day about love and it made me so sad I had to stop halfway through and order a pizza and binge-watch Les Revenants on Netflix instead. So yeah.

An Open Letter To The Cranky Old Lady At My Blackjack Table This Weekend

Dear Bitch (may I call you "bitch"?),

I'm going to assume you know what you're doing, based on your advanced age, that sizable stack of chips sitting in front of you, and your audible exasperation at my decision to stand on 12, but just in case you forgot a few key points [see "advanced age" above], I thought I'd offer some helpful hints.

First off — just a quick reminder to start — we are at the $10 minimum table at Foxwoods, not the high roller room at the MGM Grand. Just putting that out there, in case you were confused.

Second, blackjack is a card game — the operative word here being "game," implying a sense of playfulness and fun. Your attitude and general demeanor imply neither of these things.

Also, it's called "gambling" for a reason: there is risk involved. Sitting at an open table means you risk people at that table occasionally making stupid impromptu moves like standing on 12, just like I am risking my health by exposing myself to your steady stream of secondhand smoke. That’s just how casinos work.

And finally, next time you feel the urge to loudly declare to a stranger, "You're gonna stand on 12? Jesus Christ, I have to leave now," maybe you could spare us the gin-soaked preamble and just, you know, leave. After all, like the song says, you gotta know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em, know when to walk away, and know when to shut the fuck up — you don't make the rules and I'll play any way I want.

Best of luck!
Becca

Zero Tolerance

Today I went to an open house at Park 51, otherwise known as "The ZOMG Muslin Terrist Amercan Taliban Ground Zero Mosque." Here's a brief summary of my experience:

• They did not make me wear a head scarf. Out of the approx. 25–30 people there, only one woman was wearing a head scarf. (I thought it was two but the other one was a little old lady in an appliqued turban.) Only one man was wearing a kufi. (I had to look up that word, so you can, too.)

• Next to the brochures about their spring classes and the mailing list sign-up sheet, there were flyers for The Anne Frank Museum, located across the street.

• Of the approx. 25–30 people there, about 75% were white. Of that 75%, another 75% looked to be middle-aged or older.

• The demonstrations for the two exercise classes offered at the center were capoeira (Afro-Brazilian) and karate (Okinawan).

• I had a conversation with the woman wearing the head scarf about cookies, our nieces, and Dora the Explorer (Spanish).

• Some of the radical words taught in the Beginner Arabic For Kids class are "turtle" and "baseball."

• Didn't see a single prayer mat.

• And here's the view of the offensive, disrespectful facade that you can't even see from Ground Zero (I walked past the memorial; I checked):


I just checked, and I haven't been converted to Islam or trained to be a terrorist. I don't think I've been brainwashed to hate America.

That was a pre-existing condition.

It's Not What You Say, It's How You Say It

Playing Catchphrase with my sister's friends makes the "BABY FISH MOUTH!" scene from When Harry Met Sally seem totally plausible.

A sampling of some actual guesses that some reasonably intelligent people actually made:

"Blind mailman!"
"Clothes laboratory!"
"When someone has a heart attack it's called...?" "A heart attack!"
"This is the name of a toothpaste and also a famous painter." "Aqua-Fresh!"

Alphabet City

An engineer left this comment today on the manuscript I gave him to review:

"I do not understand the symbol that looks like a big lower-case u written the size of a capital."

In other words, a capital U. He doesn't understand a capital letter U.

I love my job.

Why I Don't Drink, or, "If You See Something, Say Something"

So I decided to go out last night. Yep, you heard me — to a bar. In Williamsburg. To see this guy I only know from Twitter play a show. With his girlfriend. On a night when I had work AND school the next day.

I have no idea why I thought any of this was a good idea.

(Yes I do: I wanted an excuse to wear my awesome new boots again.)

Anyway, as you may already know, I'm on a few medications. One of these specifically states that one should not drink alcohol while taking it. Another is alternately prescribed for smoking cessation. I smoke "socially," as in, I smoke because I'm socially inept and it gives me something to do when I feel awkward in public. I think you see where this is headed.

A friend from home once said I'm like a cicada — I only come out once every 17 years. This may or may not have to do with the occasional experience of an evening ended slumped over a garbage can on a deserted subway platform moaning, "Oh God, why do I do this to myself?"

At least my boots stayed dry.

Reading Comprehension FTW!

Me: "As much as I want to support them, #OccupyWallStreet reminds me of my junior year of high school when a bunch of kids organized a walk-out to 'protest' the Iraq war just so they could get a smoke break. #Cynicism"

Me: "[To be clear, this was the 1991 Iraq war.] #DejaVu"

Random pompous douche who lives in Canada: "@BeccaGo: Yea, it's just like that. Except not at all. Outside for 4 weeks, 700+ arrests? You can tell HS wasn't very long ago for you. #exp"

Me: "@RandomDouche: High school was 23 years ago for me, if you bother to read my next post. And I live here. So you can shove your #exp."

God, I love Twitter.

Out Of The Mouths Of Babes

8-year-old cousin: "You live by yourself?"
Me: "Yep, just me."
8-year-old cousin: "You shouldn't live anywhere unless you have a husband."
Me: "Well, I've looked for one, but I haven't found any yet."
11-year-old cousin: "I know people."

Take The Train To The Train...To The Train...

This was my commute this morning:

Board F train.
Go 2 stops.
Conductor: "This train will now be running on the G line."
Get off train.
Wait for next F train.
Next F train is PACKED.
Wait for next F train.
Board F train.
Go 1 stop.
Conductor: "This train will now be running on the G line."
Get off train.
No F train transfer available at this station.
Cross platform.
Board waiting A train.
Conductor: "This train will not be going into Manhattan."
Get off train.
Wait for next A train.
Walk 6 blocks to my office ON THE HOTTEST DAY OF THE YEAR as opposed to my normal 1.5.
Arrive at work 45 minutes late.

Happy Thursday, y'all!

Just Destroyin' 'Em!

Oh, those wild and crazy mechanical engineers, they're such a bunch of jokesters. An early morning e-mail exchange:

From: [name redacted]
To: All Staff
Subject: Atlanta office and staff OK
As you may know, tornados ravaged the South yesterday like Sherman marching to the Sea. The good news is the Atlanta staff, William and Kate, Charlie Sheen and The Donald all survived. Although we are all still a bit groggy from watching Mother Nature's targets on SuperDuperDoppler3000 well into the wee hours of the morning.*

* This a word-for-word, actual e-mail that the whole company, worldwide, actually received. Really. And yeah, he spelled "tornadoes" wrong, too.

From: Co-worker Mikey
To: BeccaGo
Subject: FW: Atlanta office and staff OK
Is this guy a failed comedian or something? This isn't the first time he's sent a "funny" message like this.

From: BeccaGo
To: Co-worker Mikey
I know. He tries way too hard. Seems kind of unprofessional/tactless for a natural disaster e-mail, no?

From: Co-worker Mikey
To: BeccaGo
Yeah, that was the other thing. It's like if he was head of the Japan office:
"Hey guys, it's been really 'wavy' here! Har har! Well, don't worry about us Japs 'cause, to quote 'Get Smart,' that tsunami 'missed us by thaaaat much!' So things may be gloomy here, but like Annie sang, 'The sun will come out tomorrow!'"

From: BeccaGo
To: Co-worker Mikey
"As for that 'nucular' (haha!) business, don't worry, be happy! None of us here are 'down with the sickness' of the radiation variety...yet. LOL!"

From: Co-worker Mikey
To: BeccaGo
"Yep, we're all one big, happy nuclear family around here now! Haha!"

I think today's exchange deserves a blog post.

From: BeccaGo
To: Co-worker Mikey
I was just thinking the same thing. Great minds yada yada...

From: Co-worker Mikey
To: BeccaGo
"Great minds make great bedfellows! Haha! J/K! LOL! LMAO! ROTFL, etc."

Dream On, Dreamer

You know when you have that dream that you're getting up and getting ready for work, and then you actually wake up and you get all pissed because you have to do it all over again?

Well, not only did I have that dream last night, in the dream it was also HALLOWEEN.

And then I woke up.

Talk about a disappointing way to start your day.

I almost wore the red feather Mardi Gras mask anyway.

From The Mind(less Drivel) Of M. Night Shyamalan

So, yeah, I rented that M. Night Shyamalan atrocity Devil last night — don’t ask why — and I just wanted to share some of my utter disbelief at how bad it actually was...

Basic Premise: 5 people are trapped in an elevator; one of them is the devil. (They are all shameless clichés.)

Within the first 15 minutes, I had already figured it out.

***SPOILERS!***

1. Obvious choice would be the mysterious quiet guy, so it's obviously not him (unless they were counting on us to think that and were pulling a double twist, which I don't believe they were clever enough to come up with).

2. They all hate the annoying salesman, so they all automatically blame him, which automatically makes it not him. (Sure enough, he is the first one to die.)

3. The angry black security guard is both a symbol of authority and new on the job, which makes him suspicious, so it could be him, only that would be racist, so it's not him (unless, again, they were trying to be clever and controversial, which I don’t give them credit for).

4. The pretty rich girl gets mysteriously hurt early on, so it couldn't be her, which means it is her, unless...

5. ...they go the very obvious "least obvious" route, which means it's the scared, harmless old lady.

Who it was.

Moviemaking at its effing finest.

LOLZ!

Final Tally Of Tasteless/Insensitive/Offensive Groupon Super Bowl Commercials: 3

Issues Targeted For Mockery: endangered whales, Tibet, the destruction of the rain forest.

I guess they didn't have the budget this year for Darfur and cancer.

Interoffice Gender Confusion

I am really not enjoying my job right now, but sometimes some little thing comes along that makes me smile...

E-mail received by a female co-worker and forwarded to me under the subject line "See? I didn't make it up!":

"Hi dear! I am for a decent man.
As for me, I am a young Russian girl
Do you like Russian women?
They are not just beautiful and smart, but very tolerant too.
Russian women value family and try to be with their husbands as much as possible.
It's time to get to know each other!
See you on marriage agency. Cheerio!
Please, visit this site!"
[Ed. note: site blocked from work computer]

...and the latest from Awesome Engineering Guy, to a male co-worker, forwarded to me under the subject line "Thought this might be blog-worthy"*:

"They moved my crew to the 23rd. If you were coming out of the lady’s room (quickly) on that floor, make a right, walk, then make a left at the next aisle. My ghetto cubicle is the last one on your left.

If anyone catches you coming out of the lady’s room, don’t tell them you were looking for me.

...awkward."

* He knows me so well. :D

Give 'Em Hell

Today I attended a departmental procedural meeting in which these two sentences, in regard to the same topic, were spoken within minutes of each other:

"EVERYTHING has to be EXACTLY the same."
"Ignore any inconsistencies."

And it was 83 degrees in the office.

I don't believe these incidents were unrelated or coincidental. It is my belief that they pointedly serve to prove that my job is, literally, Hell.

Seriously?

Dr. Keith: Tragedy Of Mental Illness

Dear Dr. Keith,

Speaking as a legitimately crazy person myself, I can indisputably say that this tragedy is not "ultimately" a story about mental illness. It is ultimately a story about why a person with a mental illness had a gun.

Get a job,
BeccaGo

Post-Snowpocalyptic Park Slope

Monstrously Compelling Reasons To Be Grateful I Don't Own A House Or A Car:

Exhibit A:

This is the scene literally right outside my door.

Exhibit B:
These are not parked cars. They have been abandoned in the street.

Exhibit C:
This man is not a city worker. He's just a neighbor.

Exhibit D:
Don't even think about trying to use the side streets.

Exhibit E:
This kid is standing in the middle of an intersection.

Exhibit F:
Thistle Hill Tavern is open for business! If you can find the door!

These photos were all taken within a single one-block radius.

Your Honor, the prosecution rests.

How You Know You Live In Park Slope, The Sequel: Tastes Like Chicken

No, Mr. Deli Man, when I asked if you had any chicken pot pies, I did not mean organic vegetable pot pies with tofu. But thanks anyway.

But Wait — There's More!

More holiday cheeriness!

South Street Seaport Christmas Tree Blown Over By Heavy Winds!

On an added note, I'm so glad I chose today to straighten my hair and try out my new umbrella. I now look like I'm wearing a mangy poodle on my head.

WINDPOCALYPSE!!!

A Christmas Miracle

And now, some good news for the forthcoming holiday season...

GOP pledges to block all bills!

This part's my favorite:

"All 42 Senate Republicans signed a letter to Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid, D-Nevada, vowing to prevent a vote on 'any legislative item until the Senate has acted to fund the government and we have prevented the tax increase that is currently awaiting all American taxpayers.'"

How, exactly, do these imbeciles expect to FUND THE GOVERNMENT by CUTTING taxes? Where are these "funds" supposed to come from? Jesus??

Merry Christmas, assholes!!