Holiday Cheer

Well, maybe not so much "cheer" as examples of how my brother exists on a whole other plane entirely, but here goes:

My mom used to recycle old gift boxes and store them in the attic. As kids, whenever we needed to wrap a present, we'd raid this supply of boxes. One year, while attempting to wrap the Christmas present he bought me, my brother finds a box with a dead moth in it. Not only does he leave the dead moth in there, he tapes it to the bottom of the box beneath the tissue paper, circles it with a marker, writes "DEAD MOTH" next to it with an arrow pointing to it, and continues to place my present inside the box and wrap it. When I open this gift Christmas morning, he acts puzzled and says, "Uh oh, something's missing. Isn't there anything else in there?" I lift up the layers of tissue paper and discover the surprise. I immediately drop the box and freak out as he explains excitedly how he didn't put it there on purpose, he just found it that way in the box, like it was all just a lucky coincidence for me. Hilarity ensues. I vow to exact revenge.

The next year was the one they introduced the character "Timmy" on South Park. My brother's name is Tim. I find this elementary-school-nostalgia metal lunch box with Timmy And The Lords Of The Underground on it in a local record store, so I buy it for him. A week later, I find a dead fly on my windowsill. I pick it up with tweezers, tape it to the inside of the lunch box, then wrap the whole thing and put it under the tree. Christmas morning, amidst much laughter and shouts of "TIMMMAAAYYYY!" I interject, "Wait — there's more! Open it up!" And the dead fly is revealed. Hilarity ensues.

Meanwhile, I'm rummaging through my stocking when I come across a small, strangely-shaped package. I unwrap it to discover a Ziploc sandwich bag full of toenails, labeled, in Magic Marker and my brother's handwriting, "MY TOENAILS." He had saved all his toenail clippings for like, 3 weeks, and given them to me for Christmas. "It's a very special present," he says. "I gave you a little piece of me!" Hilarity ensues. I joke that at least it was only a few week's worth and not a whole year.

The next year, I recieve a Ziploc bag containing a full year's worth of toenails.

Holidays with my family are not exactly what you'd call normal.