Soft Sell

Around the end of October I kept getting all these postcards requesting my assistance in updating my profile for the West Babylon High School graduate directory. So, one afternoon, while bored at work, I decided what the hell — I'll call them. Apparently it's just a gimmick to get you to buy a copy of the directory for $49.95 or, for a limited time, the CD-ROM version for a special offer of only $29.95, but anyway...

The guy taking the information has a Southern accent and keeps trying to be chatty and "relate" to me, like: "Ok, let me just look this up...West Babylon, New York — hey, are you ready for the big game tomorrow?" — meaning the Yankees and the World Series, because I'm from New York, see, and it's just a given that all New Yorkers are Yankee fans, so it must have been perplexing to him when I asked, "Uh...what game?"

So I answer all the standard questions about where I went to college and if my last name has changed and all that, and I confirm all my pertinent information. Then, when I get to my work address, Mr. October launches into this gold:

"Whoa — Park Avenue! So you're right in the middle of it, huh? You know, I've never been to New York, but I've always wanted to, and I have a friend who lives up there now, so I might go and stay with him, you know, see the ice skating rink in Rockefeller Center, or that hotel — the, uh, the Waldorf-Astoria! Yeah! Where they made 'Scent Of A Woman' — you know, that Al Pacino movie? [NOTE: I can't stand this movie.] 'HOO-AH!' Hahaha! [bad Pacino impersonation] 'I oughtta take a FLAME-THROWAH to this place!' Hahaha! Oh, boy...that was one of the good ones, huh?"

Me: "... It's not one of my favorites."

I obviously burst the guy's bubble, so he sort of backpedals and goes, "Oh...so what kind of movies do you like?" To which I jokingly ask back, "Why? Is that going in my profile?" Then he gets all apologetic, like I had been seriously questioning him: "Oh, no, no! Just making small talk." I honestly felt bad for him at this point, but still, I had to really struggle to keep from laughing.

So eventually the ordeal is over, and I decide to send my sister an e-mail relating the whole incident, for her own amusement. She responds:

"Oh my god, that is priceless. The poor guy! They probably shove him in a cubicle all day with his headset and he's got nobody to talk to so he has to make idle chit-chat with all the high school alumni. Maybe he goes through the names and makes up his own stories for each person. Maybe he is now imagining himself and you ice skating at Rockefeller Center and dining at the Waldorf. Someday you'll get married to him there, and he can say it all started with a phone call..."

To which I reply:

"Awesome! And my colors can be blue and gold, just like West Babylon, and I can bring him to my reunion so he can meet all the other alumni and it will make it all real for him and really change his perspective, just like that research guy in Titanic."

I am yet to purchase a copy of the directory.