So, everyone's all up in arms over Adam Lambert's performance at the AMAs the other night. What I don't understand is why more people aren't up in arms about the really offensive performance of the night: Jennifer Lopez. No, not the fact that she fell — that horrendously awful song itself. It was probably the singlemost retarded piece of garbage I have ever heard in my life. Worse than "She-Wolf" even. It made me want to stab every single person involved in its existence with a fork. Repeatedly. And really hard. Seriously, this passes as music these days? A repetitive glorified designer shoe commercial jingle with a Stevie Wonder rip-off?
As you may have deduced, I was very angry about this, so I decided to channel my negative energy into a creative endeavor and come up with some alternate lyrics that I believe would have been much more entertaining:
"I've got high score in Donkey Kong,
We're driving on the Autobahn,
Team Atlas Snowshoes Rubicon (don't worry, it's an Eco-Challenge thing),
My sister ran a marathon,
My pen was here but now it's gone,
Ringo, Paul, George and John,
My favorite Jedi's Obi-Wan,
Will you please put your pants back on?
The first Atari game was Pong,
This guy that I know sells Avon,
Autobots fight Decepticons,
Let's go shopping at Benetton,
My neighbor's blasting reggaeton,
Watch "On The Case With Paula Zahn,"
I've never seen the movie Tron,
And I hate this stupid fucking song."
Thank you, Cleveland!
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