After several disastrous, soul-corroding attempts, I have vowed to never post an ad to an online dating site ever again. For those of you still bravely and blindly pressing on, allow me to provide a brief summary of the ordeals I've endured through my vast and completely aggravating experience.
1. Don't be old enough to be my dad.
Hope may spring eternal, but I am under no obligation to indulge that hope. If I took the time to specify an age range, it's there for a reason. If that range is, say, 29-39, and you're, like, 28 or 41, I'll let you slide. But if you're 56, and you have the gall to even start off your reply with, "I know I'm too old for you, but...," please, don't bother. I am not here to propel anyone's mid-life crisis; you're just wasting both of our time. Same goes if you are young enough to be my son: I am admittedly a rather ferocious cougar, but if you're 22, still live at home, address me as "shorty," and use the word (and I use that term loosely) "chillax," I may have to slap you.
2. Don't be confrontational. Or a douche.
If my Match.com profile mentions I'm a die-hard Mavs fan, poking fun at Dirk's lack of defensive skills is acceptable. However, if my quirky Craigslist ad says I'm seeking "a skinny boy with glasses and tattoos," it is not acceptable to respond "Excuse me but I am a MAN not a boy and I'd never be dumb enough to put something permanent on my body but to each his own." What, exactly, are you expecting to accomplish by insulting me and confirming in a single sentence that we have nothing in common? I mean, I know I'm a hot little number, but I purposely did not post in the "casual encounters" section, and I somehow doubt that I am so tempting you're willing to overlook our completely divergent personalities just to go to a movie. There's also a reason I've never been religious — I don't approve of preachers.
3. Don't send me porn.
I will tolerate topless pics if you are standing on a beach with a surfboard or showing me a chest tattoo [see "a skinny boy with glasses and tattoos"]. I will not tolerate topless pics of you flexing in front of your car or that you took of yourself in the mirror with your face blurred out, no matter how tight your abs. And there is NO WAY I will stand for a cock shot, especially by way of introduction when there's not even a message attached. I mean, really? Has this approach ever worked for anyone, ever? And if you're just trying to be offensive, well, sorry, honey, but I've seen one before. And it was bigger than yours.
4. Speak English.
This is an actual reply that I actually received:
"I read u n like u. You look very smart n it is good for girls like to talk with u 646xxxxxxx"
Ah, yes, the irony of telling someone they look smart...like that. Folks, I am an editor. I proofread for a living. And I weep for the future.
I'm not asking everyone to live up to my professional standards, but if I have to decipher your response like it's some encrypted clue out of The DaVinci Code, you're probably not going to make it to Round 2. I know capitalization is kind of lax on the Interwebz, but at least punctuate your sentences so I know where they end and can puzzle some sort of sense out of them. And I know I'm guilty of some occasional acronym abuse myself — BTW, IMO, FWIW, DIAGF (look up that last one — it’s awesome), and, yeah, ok, sometimes I write "gonna" and "wanna." But "and," "are," and "you" are only 3 letters each. C'mon now, people.
Pointers for some added pet peeves:
* There are 3 periods in an ellipsis, 4 if it's ending the sentence. Not 27...not 14...just 3.
* Quotation marks only go around quotations, or words that are "special." Don't use them for emphasis, like "this," because saying you're very "sincere" is kind of oxymoronic.
* Extraneous apostrophe's are not you're friend's.
* Don't end every sentence with "haha" or "LOL," especially if the sentence that precedes it isn't funny. Saying "I make great lasagna. Maybe you can try it sometime LOL!" makes me think your recipe contains mushrooms. Magic ones.
5. Don't send out form letters.
For a fun experiment, try this: Post an ad online. Read the responses. Post a different but similar ad on the same site a week later. Read the responses. Count how many are from the same guys and are word-for-word, exactly the same. Wonder if they even bothered to read what you wrote or look at your picture, or if they just spend way too much time sitting there feverishly refreshing the screen, mass-mailing to every new girl that pops up, and thinking, hey, it's gotta work eventually, right?!?
6. Tell me something.
"whats up sexy call me 718-xxx-xxxx" is not going to win my heart or any points for creativity. How do I know you're not a serial killer? Or a phone sex line? Or that guy down the hall who's always blaring "Birthday Sex" at 2 in the morning? Or a Republican? At least try to spark my interest. Trust me, I am no spoiled princess demanding to be pampered for nothing in return. I'm a hardcore, hot-blooded feminista. I’m all for equality and girls being assertive and making the first move and paying for the date if it was their idea and initiating sex, but now you're just being lazy.
7. But not your life story.
It is not necessary, in an initial reply, to tell me: if your parents are still married; the names and breeds of all the pets you've ever owned; where you hope to be in 5 years, career- and family-wise, and how you plan to attain those goals; your views on gay couples and adoption; the name of every trendy restaurant you've been to in the last 6 months and what you ordered there; that you think a woman looks most beautiful in the throes of an orgasm; how many people you've responded to before me who didn't even have the courtesy to say "No, thank you, I'm not interested;" whether or not you are circumcised. It is particularly unnecessary to tell me all of these things at once.
8. Don't be a Nigerian scammer.
My favorite response of all time, completely unedited:
"Hello Princess Lady.
Wow I cant believed that such a pretty looking lady like you would be on here, I Most confess on what I saw, I was carried away when I get a look at your sexy, attractive and Adorable Lips in your Picture [NOTE: You can't see my lips in the picture — see my profile pic], I was very Impressed on what I saw.You are such a pack of beauty, your eye's is Adorable and I wish that you where very Closed to me, Well to be honest with you am a new member in this site.As i said i dont mind relocating to you cause i know i will have so much love to share with you and u will have for me aswell...So I dont know much about things in this site, well you are the only lady that I just meet Here and am very happy and you really made my day. Well you ask me where am from. Well am from West Africa, But i just move to north carolina .... Well i'm my spare time, i took my son to
the beach, and went for shopping, and we are two children of my folks.my Dad passed away in a car accident and i have my mum is west africa...mum is from west africa and dad is a native of America,i hope you are not very ecthic [NOTE: I don't even know what that word was trying to be] about my distance to you cuz i believe that anything can happen to love, to me distance is not an issue to me. I can relocate when I find my right lady Well my hobbies. i like reading, dancing, sport, and my favorite type of food are Italian food, Mexican food sea food Well you can come to my Yahoo instant messenger so that we can get to talk better And know more each other, and we can share pics there. Well add, me on my yahoo instant Messenger right now (toffycute009 or send me an Email right now toffycute009@yahoo.com) Or you can just give me you Yahoo Instant
Messenger ID also, or your email address.
Hope you will love to know my son soon,
Well I’ll be very happy to hear from you once again.
Thanks
Toffy.."
Happy hunting, comrades. :)
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